Do You Want to Know What Love Really Is?

Love is Magic

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“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.” ~ Rumi.

Love is Magic

I mean, why do you think generations of philosophers, poets and writers alike have favored the heart-pulsing topic since way back when? It is because love is the most powerful emotion that we experience in our humanity.

Love changes us. No other emotion comes close to possessing the ability to filter through our boundaries and alter our perspective like love. No other feeling can crash into our hearts and explode into our awareness with such fever, passion, feeling and sentiment.

Love is creation and connection in all its magical glory.

Like ecstasy for the soul; syrup for the heart. It uplifts spirits, elevates us into higher states of awareness and colors our world with beauty, humility and exquisite rapture.

It is more than a feeling; it is a way of being in the world — love is an experience.

Love Is What You Say

If our time and attention are our most valuable things in the world, then it is our experiences that make for the special sauce — the unforgettable moments that give meaning to our lives.

Essentially, we are a collection of our experiences. Right? And the way we choose or not choose to be with love is all we are going to take from our life when it’s over.

Not the money or prestige; our reputation or the high-end connections we seek to benefit from. Not the hate or spite that just inspired you to send a threatening email to someone you barely know. Not even your religion.

Truth is, your life experiences will reflect the degree of love you bring to the world — how you see it is what you’ll get back.

On November 11th of 2017, I missed my flight home to Sydney from LAX due to an emergency that occurred on the connecting flight from Louisiana.

It was late and I was stressed. Honestly, I kind of had an inner-mini-meltdown, and for the record, the people handling the entire situation were behaving like unhelpful … umm … morons.

Frazzled, tired and verging on tears, I finally got to the hotel where the airline put me up for the night. I was waiting my turn to check-in when a man approached, extending a bouquet of white roses.

He wasn’t hitting on me, nor was he being sleazy. He was the father-of-the-bride of the wedding reception that happened to be winding down for the evening.

You know that deepest part of yourself that connects you to the stars and beyond? Your inner-voice that guides you towards kinder feelings and brighter outlooks, or shows you signs that something higher is looking out for you?

That’s the love inside of you.

Sometimes, it shows up in the unexpected acts of love from a complete stranger.

At first, I refused the flowers, telling him that they were too beautiful and I couldn’t possibly accept them.

He insisted.

Connecting to the love inside is like fusing with the sacramental essence which is the universe within you. Honoring your love-space and opening your heart is coalescing with all of the life-force energy and thereby, creating greater spheres of love into your experiences.

I looked at him and something clicked; as if his eyes silently spoke to my soul without me realizing it at the time. I felt the tension slightly ease.

Love is energy-enmeshment that goes way beyond our physicality. It is a complex mix of emotions and behaviors combined with strong feelings of affection, protectiveness, warmth, and respect for someone else.

Love is also acceptance.

When I reached to take the flowers from him, my fingers shook and it took all I had not to break with the gratitude erupting. I thanked him and checked in, grabbed my luggage and glanced around the lobby for him before heading to my room. He was gone.

Love isn’t control. It’s not ownership, a marriage contract or entrapment. It’s not the smirk you just gave or the snidey laugh at someone else’s expense. It isn’t manipulation, vindictiveness or how another person judges you.

Love is never a crime.

I don’t recall the detailed appearance of the man who gave me roses in an L.A hotel lobby late one night, and he will never know how that one small gesture will remain with me long after I die — it was one of the greatest acts of love I have ever known.

Those white roses represented the truest meaning of love in that their presence in my room symbolized charity, spirit, humanity, empathy, faith and belief. And they arrived directly from a union of love at the exact moment in time that I needed it.

Love is faith and finding the courage in yourself to trust in the higher-good. It’s a selfless gesture; compassionate words and a meeting of souls. It’s forgiveness, tolerance and empathy; the eyes in every beast reflecting back the stars, the moon and the air filling your being.

Love is allowing people to affect and transform you. And it’s rejecting all that opposes it.

November 11, 2017 is a date that will always remind me of love-in-action. Love really is magic.

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Originally published by P.S. I Love you on Medium

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The Things You Should Never Share About Someone You Love

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Just the other day, my mother went to tell me about someone else’s personal business. I instantly rejected the conversation about a relative who feels the need to share with my mom all the ins and outs of her relationship. From her sex life to money matters; to the hottest topic to land on this week’s quibble-table — she divulges everything. It’s no wonder her relationship is mostly miserable, and that she’s whining on the other end of my mother’s phone every other week. They were right, those people who said that there is No Honor Among Thieves.

It might sound a bit dramatic, but spilling your guts about someone you love in such a personal way is a bit like theft — Trust-theft.

Sure, every now and then we might need to talk to someone about our personal lives and relationships, we may even be tempted to vent. But doing so can be harmful and hurtful to the one you love. I mean, unless you are experiencing a major issue or crisis in your relationship, rarely can anything good come out of others sticking their nose into your business.

Right? Our relationships, feelings and love are about as personal as our business gets. Here are five things I think you should never share about someone you love and the reasons why it’s better to keep your mouth shut:

Private Messages

Private messages are exactly what the name implies; private. Whether it be emails, text messages or personal messages via social media or any other means, if the message was meant for you, keep it that way.

Why?

The above-mentioned messages are still considered conversations between two people. When I send a personal message to my partner, I do so in confidence and trust that he won’t air it to his best friend and vice-versa. The same rings true for any personal message I send to those in my life.

Whether the message is romantic and intimate or a little on the nasty side following a disagreement, the correspondence between you and the person you love makes for building trust and intimacy within your relationship.

So, that means sharing the content of text messages and private emails is a fast way to destroy what intimacy you’ve got going on between you. You don’t want your partner to think every single conversation you have is going to be open to everyone, and I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot you’d be mortified too.

And as For Those Grudge-Messages . . .

Don’t be one of those people who hold onto messages to use as future ammunition against your mate after you’ve broadcasted the contents to your friends. Remember that relative who I mentioned earlier? She has a backlog of these waiting to strike when her man aggravates her. It’s a bit like gathering spears of poison to inject into your life.

Why?

It is unhealthy for your relationship because collecting and/or copying those messages for a future throw-back is grudge-holding behavior that will slowly kill the trust between you.

Here’s what Nathan Feiles from Psyche Central has to say about it:

“Grudges are essentially an emotional process that becomes stuck and unable to move forward. As a result, people who hold grudges are often in a state of mental and emotional distress. So much energy is focused on negative and spiteful feelings that it overtakes the relationship altogether.”

Everyone loses when a grudge is held. Let it go and seek ways to loosen any emotional grudge-holding patterns your behavior reinforces — which may mean working on the communication in your relationship or finding a skilled therapist to help you move forward.

Infidelity

Yes, keep your mouth shut about cheating.

If either of you commits infidelity, keep the dirty laundry in the dirty laundry basket and clean it up yourself. I know, it’s natural to want to cry on someone’s shoulder and seek those who will support our position when we get hurt, only the fewer players involved in this game, the better.

If you really need to talk to someone, it’s best to seek support in the form of a professional therapist during these delicate situations and not your immediate circle.

Why?

Because it is your relationship and your decision about whether it is worth fighting for or not — and not best friend’s or your mother’s. A professional therapist has the unbiased skill set to help you heal from the betrayal, while those close to you may do more harm than good because their feelings will be influenced by their connection to you.

People are people and none of us are perfect. A large part of being human is learning and growing from our mistakes, as well as our ability to forgive. The same holds true in knowing when to walk away from someone and realizing its time to begin something new.

Only you know what’s best for yourself and no one really understands the dynamics happening in your relationship. Also, if you do stay together, you risk tainting your friend’s or family’s perception of your partner — or yourself if you were the one to stray.

Your Sex Life

I used to have a friend who enjoyed talking about the nitty gritty’s of her sex life. So much so, that I’d almost feel as if I was involved in a threesome. Almost. I found myself redirecting the conversation a lot of the time because I felt awkward knowing intimate things about a man with whom I wasn’t involved.

Broadcasting the details of what happens in your bedroom makes your intimacy a group activity — where you’re having sex, how often you have it or don’t have it, your partner’s sexual fantasies and delicious little kinks — all of that raunchy intimate stuff should be kept between you and your mate; and maybe your sheets.

Why?

Because sex is the greatest expression of love that two people can share; in body and in spirit. Making love to someone is the physical representation of your complete union. It is the ultimate language of love that should not be compromised by becoming someone else’s entertainment or fantasy.

Sex is love without limits.

Consider this statement from Deborah Anapol Ph.D.,

“Sex is sacred because of its role in bonding. Mutually satisfying sexual exchanges naturally intensify bonding … Sex opens the heart only if we bring the energy up … the awakening all of the senses, tuning in to subtle energy, letting go of judgment and blame, expressing gratitude for the gift of life, and savoring the present moment are wonderfully supportive tools for intimate relating.”

Lovemaking essentially creates intimate fusion, reaching deep and soul-sacred levels. Don’t kiss and tell that kind of stuff — speaking it out loud to others somehow betrays the reconciliation of energies; and sharing those beautiful experiences will spoil the union.

If, on the other hand, you’re having problems in the bedroom, discuss it with your partner. Otherwise, speak with a therapist who can help you figure out why you’re having these issues.

Your Lover’s Secrets

“Trust is easy to lose and hard to get back.”

— Kristie Overstreet

Your mate loves you. Trusts you. You might be the only person in the world who sees every part of them; you are their soft landing place in an uncertain world brimming with strangers. Throughout our lives, we experience very few people with whom we give our trust enough to share our inner-most thoughts and feelings.

So, don’t betray that precious trust.

Why?

Trust is at the core of any relationship. Without it, we have little foundation on which to build a great bond with the person we love.

If your mate tells you something confidential, keep your mouth zipped.

Whether it is a buried skeleton in their closet, a long-held secret burden or deep insecurity — if your partner has chosen to confide in you, it is super important to maintain their confidence.

We all have skeletons in our closets. Well, most of us.

When your mate tells you something deep about themselves, breaking their trust is not only disrespectful but will undermine their ability to trust you if they ever find out. The other thing about it is that blabbering your partner’s secrets to your friends will cause weirdness between them and your partner.

Then, of course, the inevitable will happen — you’ll end up feeling crappy for it. We do receive the same kind of energy we put out into the universe.

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People talk all the time. We are so busy talking and posting the latest on social media that we can easily become disconnected from what’s real or oblivious to the feelings of others.

We forget discretion is a virtue. And we don’t always remember how to hold our truest connections in esteem.

At the end of the day, your relationship, feelings and the way you want to love someone is nobody else’s damned business.

There is No Honor Among Thieves.

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Originally published by P.S I Love You on Medium.

Qualities of a Sexy Woman

“Everyone wants to be sexy.” — Brad Goreski

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There was a time when all it took for me to feel sexy was hearing Prince singing Erotic City. These days? I need killer eye contact with a man who smells like a summer storm and who can make me laugh until my panties slide south. Nothing is sexier than a devilish sense of humor. It demonstrates intelligence, imagination and confidence.

When my husband and I were first dating, he had sexy nailed like a rock star. He possessed all of the above-mentioned qualities and more — he spoke fluently in two foreign languages, cooked like a demon and danced like Justin Timberlake. He exuded sex appeal and he knew it.

He thought I was pretty sexy too.

During those early months of our relationship, he would sometimes fix his stare on me, give a throaty rumble and tell me that I was sexy. The comment always induced laughter followed by an unstoppable blush — I didn’t always feel like a sexy woman, though he always saw “sexy” in me.

In a Psychology Today article, Aaron Ben Zeev says: “The perceiver’s attitude and the possible interactions are very important. Being described as sexy can be flattering if you are attracted to the person saying it; if not, it can be perceived as an insult.”

Hmm … Interesting.

I don’t know about you, but when someone describes me as sexy, I definitely take it as a compliment. The fact that my husband found me sexy when we first met and expressed as much may have caused me to blush, but it did wonders for our evolving relationship.

Being told that I was sexy made me feel sexier on the inside — confident, smarter and funnier. Which in turn spilled over into the bedroom. Ours was an intensely passionate start and expressing our appreciation for each other played a big role in keeping the desire burning.

Compliments are like little gifts of magic. When we receive a compliment, it means someone is noticing our positive qualities and is grateful enough to let us know. Similarly, giving someone a compliment has a positive effect on us in a very powerful way — like an amplified bounce-back of positivity.

But when we describe a woman as sexy, what do we really mean?

In truth, sexy can mean different things to men and women. While the origin of the word suggests sexual, there are further distinctions which may get lost in translation that may make it difficult to clarify contrasting realities.

In their article What Does Sexy Mean? Man+Woman Magazine say:

“The problem is this — the word ‘sexy’ gets used to mean two quite different realities. The first is simpler to identify. It is the overtly sexual meaning. It is easier to identify because it is measured against the reality of men’s sexual arousal.

The second is harder to define, but it can be identified by a different intention. Its intention is not to provoke a sexual response but to draw men’s attention to the distinctive attractiveness of the feminine in a way that remains in the realm of the emotional rather than having a physical effect.”

So, it seems that in practice this second meaning is what women nearly always mean when they say “sexy”, and that in general men mostly do too. Which suggests that finding someone sexy is, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder.

Years later, and whether it be in the first morning light or the last moments of an evening and clad in a thick robe making tea — dark circles under my eyes, weariness creeping in my joints, my husband often still does the same thing — the throaty rumble followed by the comment, “You’re a sexy woman.”

I still laugh, only now I am pretty sure he is crazy. I definitely don’t feel sexy in those moments and yet, he argues the opposite to be true. Somehow, he still sees in me the “sexy” woman he met over a decade ago, regardless of whether I have make-up on, hair done or dressed to kill.

A fact that reinforces everything we know about love, beauty and sexiness — the truth barely scratches the surface.

Every woman has something special hidden inside of her — every woman is one of a kind. Whether we recognize it in ourselves, each and every one of us have our own thing that men find alluring.

It can different for everyone, but I’m certain that it’s those unique qualities in a woman that shine from within that really make her sexy. Here are a few qualities and traits that I admire and respect in women, and think make her pretty damn sexy:

She has Confidence

Self-confidence is something we don’t just possess. We have to work at developing our sense of “self” and self-purpose; once a woman gets there it is an extremely sexy quality to embody.

It’s about knowing yourself and owning that person.

Personally, it wasn’t until I reached a point in my life where I began to acknowledge and accept my own unique qualities that my self-confidence was able to evolve. These days, I have a firmer understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. By staying true to myself, my sense of “self”, inner-confidence and purpose continues to increase; and the people in my life notice.

Confidence embodies a sense of self-empowerment that is reflected in the way a woman moves and how she carries herself — even on her least confident days she knows how to fake it till she makes it.

A sexy woman questions the “norms” and isn’t afraid to back up her word by stepping out of her comfort zone to try something different. She has plans and dreams, and she creates her own success without tearing others down in the process.

She perseveres through the dips.

She is Witty

Humor is sexy and hers is sharp. There is nothing more attractive than someone who laughs a lot and more importantly, can laugh at themselves.

A sexy woman doesn’t need the latest fashion trends to make her grin; she laughs sincerely and she radiates the good stuff — happiness.

She is Intelligent

Intelligence is magnetic. She understands her strengths and weaknesses and knows how to use them to her advantage. She knows that stretching her limits is the only way she will grow and she is confident in herself when doing so.

Remember the sexy, fashion-obsessed Elle Woods from Legally Blonde who set out to obtain a law degree in an attempt to win back her ex-boyfriend? She figured out there was much more to her than just looks and graduated from Harvard Law with a renewed sense of self-confidence which was ignited by challenging herself in different ways.

All of which enhanced her life more than she could have anticipated.

A sexy woman has a firm understanding of herself — she has a growth and abundant mindset. Whether it be through study or life experiences, she will seek ways to continue learning because she knows that knowledge will enrich her life.

She Exudes Positivity

It is in her energy — she’s light, soulful and a whole lot of spirit. And chances are, just being around her lights you up on the inside — like a big dose of positivity thrown into your day.

My Shamanic Drumming teacher, Bastian, is one of the sexiest women I know and it has nothing to do with how she looks and everything to do with her energy and spirit. Although she is an attractive woman, her stand-out qualities are her personality and aura. This lovely woman shines so bright, that her presence is delightfully infectious— and it’s a quality I admire in her very much.

A woman who shines from the inside knows that life is too short to waste on negativity and that includes miserable people with dreary outlooks.

Sure, she has her bad days like everyone else. And she isn’t always 100% positive all of the time. But she strives to see the positive in the world and surrounds herself with positive people and positive things.

She is a woman who has the ability to see the good in every situation, won’t dwell on thoughts that bring her down (at least not for too long), and she will often leave others feeling inspired.

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A sexy woman carries with her an unexpected quality that may encapsulate some of these traits and more. At her core, she’s in touch with her inner-feminine self. She’s magnetic and passionate yet unaware of her appeal; and she is in each and every woman.

This is what I see and admire in every sexy woman who I have encountered.

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Originally published by P.S. I Love You on Medium.

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The Healing Gifts of Deep Sexual Union

It’s time we began to figure it out.

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When we think of a powerfully embodied human, certain characteristics immediately come to mind. To be powerfully embodied is to have a deep understanding of who you are and how your actions affect others. It’s the ability to manage your emotions and act from your authentic heart-center; it’s being able to overcome your fears enough to follow your dreams and live your deepest truths.

Powerfully embodied humans possess attributes like self-awareness, integrity, kindness and empathy; they do not walk through life hurting others.

A powerfully embodied human is in touch with their sexual power and emotional intimacy.

An individual who possesses the above-mentioned qualities is also someone who is deeply actualized and expressed in their sexuality. In reality, it is uncommon to encounter such a person. Perhaps this is because taboo, narrow-mindedness and warped sexual hang-ups have managed to drench the purity and power of human sexuality and connectedness.

The true meaning of sexual empowerment has been lost on most of us beneath a tsunami of misconceptions, suppression and misuse.

None so much as the ultimate gift to man; the healing qualities of the sexually realized feminine — Woman.

We are keen get to the page to share our viewpoints about our experiences; lessons learned and the key take-aways. We’re offering ways on how to live a better life; maintain healthier relationships; balance our mental health and make positive change. The key to unlocking personal empowerment and well-being can be discovered in a matter of clicks. Yet, rarely do we acknowledge the one and most important element to actually achieving true inner-connectedness — to each other, and to spirit and prosperity — the art of sacred sexuality.

“Sexuality is a superpower. The healing of sexuality is perhaps the most revolutionary step in the present healing work after thousands of years of suppression and neglect.”

Dieter Duhm

Sexuality has a spiritual reality which plays a huge part in conscious connection, awakening and self-awareness. The link between sexuality and spirituality is strong and acts as a sacred bridge between our physicality and our soul. It is through sex that we discover and connect to the whole of the universe.

Through the ages, mystics have known and taught that sexuality is the outer physical manifestation of a spiritual urge to have mystical union with the eternal spirit. Tantric Yoga teaches that our natural desire and urge for sexual expression can become a means to union with source energy or God and is “at its highest level of human expression”.

It is crazy-mad how much intellect and energy we use to suppress, hide and redirect our sexual energy. Equally interesting is that sexuality has been deduced to just a strong biological urge or the simple purpose to procreate. Time has tarnished the authentic sexual union to a gratifying, often voyeuristic or casual encounter. We have actually learned to feel shame about our natural desires, passion and longing.

The result has found us existing in an age where our desire for sexual connection has been downgraded to lower forms of sexual expression.

But none of this can diminish the spiritual significance or the real spiritual truth underlying the relationship between sexuality and spirituality. No amount of unawareness can actually omit the fact that sexuality itself is a sacred life force and the conceiving power in the universe — no matter how far suppressing female sexuality was the main tool of domination during the patriarchal era.

Carl Jung believed there was more to the libido than what psychologists had attributed solely to the sexual drive when he declared: “In truth, the libido is a life force or urge to life itself.”

In its simplest terms, life force energy is the intelligent powerful energy from God or source energy to creation. It connects us to everything in existence and without it, there is no existence. Many cultures from ancient civilizations up until modern day science have been aware of an energy surrounding living organisms.

We know that this higher-intelligent energy exists.

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The Healing Gifts of the Sacred Feminine.

“Woman has so much to bring to this planet once she is loved upon and supported. She is here as a powerful service to love and life. But we have spent history mishandling her. Raping and pillaging her resources, controlling her; assuming that she is limited. She is not limited. Woman is entirely unlimited when she is of aliveness. Powerful sex is a method of stoking the fires of life within. It keeps us alight.”

“Master Energy Worker, Sexual Alchemist and Spiritual Guide.”

Chris Bale

A woman who is well-sexed is like the most lustrous star in a night sky. She is a creative force who thrives and glows to her natural rhythm; she is alive and obvious, and she carries a certain type of magic that unfurls, transforms and embellishes everything she touches.

A well-sexed woman soars above all, but she is almost elusive.

Bale, who has had many years of experience assisting countless women with energetic initiation says: “There are cornerstones of a man’s development; sexual understanding and implementation is a huge part of the greater whole. Really learning how to be with a woman’s body and soul is a true art form which requires deep listening and a commitment to presence.

Learning to be and to stay present with her is where our healing exists … do not underestimate the necessity of figuring this out. It will grant you a very different experience in this life.”

Chris Bale is a man who has come to realize the sacred power and healing in the feminine. A rarity among men who understands that a woman who is deeply in touch with her feminine sexual power is a like blazing flume — a love-channel of life, spirit and pure healing energy that allows, in full freedom and trust, to energetically express our joy in life and find healing in the sacred union.

Being loved upon is like soul syrup to the feminine. Deep sex with a conscious and present man is like medicine.

Consider the following script from Tamera — Sexuality as Sacred Power:

“Before patriarchal religions introduced the concept of sex as “sinful,” which they used to dominate people, ancient tribes saw Eros as a natural path to connecting with the sacred. Ancient feminine mystery knowledge placed women at the center of the tribe, where they could connect to nature and the goddess and practice fertility and sexuality rituals. To people living in harmony with the natural rhythms of the Earth’s cycles and all life around them, sex was part of the sacred practice of transformation.”

Deep sex is embodied with deep nourishment.

A transformative healing takes place when a woman is well-sexed by her “present” man. This is because deep penetration and intense connectedness supports and guides a woman back to her core. It creates contemporary pathways toward the heart and body. It unleashes her from stress and anxiety and keeps her connected with her vibrating orgasmic consciousness and spirit — all of which she needs to remain in health.

Bale goes on to state that: “You are dealing with a beautifully wild and insatiable love monster, who’s staple is conscious-cock with heart.”

This is done through a man’s capacity for presence; through deliberate and present sexual union.

Essentially, we are talking about two people coming together in absolute fusion to make high forms of love and intentionally tap into the healing power available in the spirit of true sexuality; lovers creating the space that allows us to trust, connect and touch upon the euphoric pleasures and essence of the universal reality of sexuality.

There lies the path and power of true healing for humanity; and there exists in all its wonderful glory the key to true self-realization and empowerment.

I cannot help but agree with Bale when he mentions that “every woman wants to feel her man’s reverence and honor between her thighs — She wants her heart to be f**ked wide open via his love; his conscious-cock and his firm connection with heart.”

“She wants to feel your Godliness, and she longs to drip down upon it, feeding your deepest essence with her nectar.”

Imagine a world when we begin to actually figure it out?

Start figuring it out. Please.

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Originally published by Illumination on Medium

Love or Fear — You Get to Choose Every Time

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When I was fifteen years old, one of my friends decided to hate me. I had known her since Kindergarten and we had been close. I’d spent so much time at her house that her family was an extension of my own. Including her pudgy Golden Retriever, Candy-girl, who shared a mutual adoration with me.

Kids can be fickle when it comes to friendship. I’d experienced my fair share of “friends with conditions”, but not within this relationship. She was special. I loved her and I had thought she loved me back. When her friendship turned into hostility, it shocked me to my foundations.

More than that, though, I was hurt beyond measure. My world suddenly blackened with an indescribable pain because not only had she turned against me; she was also in a position of power to influence all of my other friends in joining her on the “Hate Kim” bandwagon.

None of them knew why I was suddenly branded an outcast — there was no reason behind her animosity. Yet, they all fell into place like puppets on a string. One former friend was even commissioned by their “leader” to physically attack me. I was never one of those tough girls that went around looking for a fight.

Neither was my opponent.

She went ahead and did it anyway. She hit me and I hit her back. It wasn’t long before we were surrounded by a horde of hollering teenagers as we attempted to … god knows what because neither of us could actually fight.

When a teacher came along to break it up, I remember one of the “tough” girls sniggering the obvious as we were carted off to the Principal’s office.

“You guys can’t fight for shit.”

Yeah. No shit, Sherlock.

Cue Michael Jackson: I think I told you, I’m a lover not a fighter.

Kylie and I were stuffed into the same waiting room outside the Principal’s office and promptly left alone. We looked at each other. I took in her busted lip and noted the aches reverberating around my own body. I was shaken and upset, and knew that I ought to be feeling angry and outraged for the disgusting treatment handed to me by my peers.

Yet, I couldn’t. All I saw was the expression in her eyes as they teared up and she said sorry.

Sorry.

There is power in that word. When expressed sincerely, a simple apology is all it takes to begin the path toward healing. Yet, an apology is easily negated if left unreceived.

The act of forgiveness is where true power lies.

I nodded.

“Okay.”

It wasn’t even a choice. I had forgiven her the moment she had caused me pain because I knew she acted out of fear and not malicious intent. A weight had lifted. We hugged before proceeding into the Principal’s lair to receive our punishment.

Neville Goddard:

“The drama of life is a psychological one in which all the conditions, circumstances and events of your life are brought to pass by your assumptions.”

In other words, your life path is determined by the feelings you assume. Focus on negative feelings like jealousy, hate and resentment, then you will discover your reality tainted by situations that evoke more of those feelings.

Steer your thoughts and focus toward the positive aspects of life and these feelings and experiences will become the dominant theme in your world.

Skeptical?

Pay close attention to those folks that fill in endless hours switching between the latest news channels. I’m willing to bet that they are among the biggest complainers in your life.

Each time you choose to watch a show, a movie or listen to a broadcast, you are making the choice to allow the essence of that broadcast into your personal energy field — you’re effectively inviting the substance of that transmission into your life; which in turn evokes a deep reaction.

A feeling is assumed.

Keep watching or listening to something or someone who brings you down, that’s where you’ll find yourself. In a bottomless pit of self-repugnance and unrealized dreams.

The same holds true of people and the way we choose to treat one another.

I could have easily chosen to hold a grudge against Kylie for attacking me. In fact, most girls that age would have done just that. But gathering grudges and lashing out does nothing but wither your soul and hinder self-growth.

Deep down, you know this; each time you mistreat, disrespect or devalue another human being, there exists a tiny ping in the pit your gut that you might try to ignore — guilt. You cannot escape it. No matter how deep you bury it.

Don’t make amends, it’ll eventually catch up to you one way or another. It always does. Life is designed this way — what you dish out is what you get back. In this life or the next…

As my mother likes to say: It ain’t over till the fat lady sings.

It’s never really over by the way. Nor is that my mother’s quote, but I think you knew that.

People are always going to “broadcast” their message to influence your life or decisions in some way. Unfortunately, a lot of the time those people have their own interests and agendas at heart. Even when we think they are a friend.

Empathy is a resource that most of us are unwilling to invest for too many people. Sure, we’re good at shooting off at the mouth about it. Putting it into practice is another matter altogether. It takes time and effort to understand how and why others feel the way they do. Even when motivated, doing so isn’t always easy.

Without empathy, our relationships cease to exist. At least on any level worth experiencing. Yet, in those quiet moments when you’re alone and the truth is staring you in the face, no amount of empathy or understanding from others can fill the void in your heart left by the choices you make.

The fact is, we were not born into this life to acquiesce to others. We came here to create our most fulfilling life; to make authentic connections, learn how to express love and value those that imprint upon our lives and souls along the way.

We came here to find freedom, joy and light in a condition of human struggle. We came to sift through it all to arrive at the place where we realize who we really are.

So, who are you?

It all begins by mastering our assumptions, how we treat others and how we choose to move through our ever-changing world. The way you see the world is how you will experience the world.

Love or fear?

That’s the basic principle governing everything we encounter. It is love or fear that we choose to allow into our inner-worlds and will influence our life-energy, desires and outcomes.

Every time.

No one can choose for you. Nobody knows what or who is best for you except you.

Friends, acquaintances and family — they all have their own unique paths and they don’t own your soul. Neither do our responsibilities for that matter. We can honor these people and afflictions where necessary without becoming shackled to them.

Freedom is our birthright — it’s a state of mind.

Your thoughts and assumptions make the world as you know it to be true. Choose them wisely, or others will choose for you.

That is when you lose — when you sacrifice your happiness for others and end up without the dream.

As a fifteen-year-old, I had spent months attending school in a private hell. It doesn’t sound a like a big crisis, but it looked very different back then. School and friends are a teenager’s life. I was stripped of friendship, loyalty and bonding. I had cried myself to sleep each and every night.

The evening following the fight with Kylie my phone rang. It was her — the one who had turned my life black. I answered to hear her sobbing uncontrollably.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m calling to say sorry — I’m so sorry, Kim.”

Long pause, then:

“It’s okay.”

It takes strength and character to say sorry. It takes a whole lot of heart and empathy to forgive. I may not be a fighter in the physical sense, but when the love is real and reciprocated authentically, I’ll fight for love every time.

To this day, that friend remains one of the only two school friends I have kept in touch with, and she was worth the pain.

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Originally published by P.S. I Love You on Medium

Death Lessons: Overcoming the Fear of Death

The only certainty we face is death.

Sounds a bit morbid and frightening, but it doesn’t need to be. Let me explain.

Death is the ultimate reminder of our mortality. It’s inevitable and mysterious territory, and sometimes, it can strike without warning. We can never really be sure when death will claim us or a loved one. With all the unsettling fears that might grip us about death, that one is probably the most disturbing.

Death should have its own soul.

Wayne Dyer said:

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.”

I have talked about this quote on more than one occasion because I know firsthand the power of those words. By fusing my thoughts and immersing myself with the meaning of that simple phrase, I’ve been able to transform seemingly immovable situations, as well as the relationships in my life.

The same is true when it comes to fearing death.

But it isn’t until we experience the death of someone close that we realize how important it is to relish our time here on earth and cherish the relationships bound to transform form us along the way. Most of all, though, it is when we begin to contemplate and feel our sacred connection to the universe that we sense our immortality.

I used to be afraid of death. When I was a child, the thought of losing a parent crippled me on the inside. Then, when I became a parent, it was contemplating the death of one of my children that proved too much to bear.

Nowadays, I deliberately steer my thoughts away from such notions — worrying about circumstances beyond my control is useless. I know this at an intellectual and soul level. Yet, I am far from perfect. My over-active brain doesn’t always acquiesce to this knowledge.

Through my late teenage years and into my early 20’s, I spent a lot of time at my boyfriend’s house, staying there most nights of the week.

Danny is the boy who owns a lot my “firsts”, including my first experience in a long-term relationship. He was the first boy who ever loved me romantically and the first I’d slept with. More than that, he was the first boy to show me what it meant when someone else cared. He stole my heart with his cheeky grin, fast lip and long dark lashes.

He made me laugh.

During the early years, Danny was full of life and ever the boy vying for his father’s approval. He was great with his hands and possessed a sharp mind. He taught me to drive a car and a speedboat, and patiently coached me how water-ski.

He introduced me to culinary delights like lobster mornay, and we spent hours burning up endless highways while listening to music during interstate road trips.

His family became my family. Literally. My mother went on to marry his father. Which technically transformed my boyfriend into my step-brother.

Meh. Life is weird like that.

As it turned out, our relationship didn’t last as long as our folks’ marriage. For all the great qualities Danny possessed, there was an extreme flip-side to his personality; a darkness that lingered on sadistic and a craving for addiction that would be his undoing.

Danny is dead now.

His mother used to tell me she believed that when you die there is nothing else. That this was it — this one lifetime here in the now.

One life. One chance.

Thousands of conversations and thoughts had passed between us during those years, and these are the words that have stayed with me. Even then, I found it difficult to believe in her convictions.

I couldn’t accept that death was final.

Danny used to tell me that to play “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins at any less than full volume was a crime. He used to say that I was the love of his life and that someday, he was going to marry me.

That never happened. His desire to quench his growing addictions led him down a path that I rejected. The boy I fell in love with and thought I knew had chosen a journey that had shocked me.

He chose heroin.

Twenty years of silence had passed between us when I learned of Danny’s death. Still, during his final days he spoke of me and the love he still kept for me. He had told his sister that I remained his greatest love, despite my absence from his life.

He was just forty-two years old.

I am a deep thinker. This quality has been particular to me ever since I can remember. As a small child, I spent hours observing my family and noticing their divinity — peering past the flesh until their physicality felt foreign to me. The same holds true when staring at my own reflection.

Of course, I was too young to have the correct terminology in my knowledge data base to vocalize what I was experiencing, or indeed to even string together a prolonged chain of coherent thoughts about the subject. Besides, if I had voiced to my parents what I was actually thinking, they probably would’ve pinned me as “special” before thumbing through the phone directory for a local children’s shrink.

Heh. What was I thinking? And how does this relate to death?

Stay with me.

I was thinking the thoughts of every five-year-old, of course.

Who am I? What I am doing in this body? This isn’t me. That isn’t really them. How did we even get here?

I felt like an imposter in my own body. It sounds weird, I know.

Have you ever become super silent, stood before your reflection and really looked deep into yourself? Something happens when you peer past your flesh — you get a glimpse at your soul and sense your divinity.

The immortal part of you.

When you come to sense that truth, the fearful thoughts surrounding death lessens as you realize that death does not equate with finality. It exists as a transition into a dimension that is more real than the fleeting life we experience here on the earth-plane.

The day Danny died I had distinctly felt his energy pass through me. I became aware of his presence and his love. It felt tranquil, humbling and positive. A few hours later and in my car running an errand, I tuned into the radio to catch the beginning of In the Air Tonight.

The wave of emotion was incredible. He wasn’t gone. He is all around and sees everything.

We can’t always explain the strange synchronicities and phenomena that takes place in our world, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. To close your mind from the greater aspects of life, death and love, and judge those that are able to embrace the unknown is a disservice to your soul.

Death does have a soul.

It is through death that I have learned that once the embers of love ignite, they cannot cease to exist. Love really does transcend time and space.

Death’s soul showed me the importance of graciousness, humility and respect, and how vital it is that we practice these qualities in every situation we encounter; as well as every action and reaction we chose for ourselves.

Death drove home the gravity of compassion and gratitude.

Thinking beyond my physicality and questioning my existence eventually stretched my perspective to instil a sense of self and belonging — an affinity to something greater than myself. That realm that holds the most sacred part of us and connects us to everything; the universal consciousness.

It was death that showed me what it means to be alive by giving me a sense of inner-freedom.

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Life. Death. Love & Connection

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“I am covered in skin.

No one gets to come in.

Pull me out from inside.

I am folded and unfolded and unfolding.”

– Lyrics from Colorblind by The Counting Crows.

We are over-complicators existing beneath self-created blinders. The world keeps turning. Time slips by as we leave our prints upon the days and nights of yesterday.

We sift and sort as we move through life. Some of us analyze and reflect, others blame, scream and argue. Complications arise to push us towards evolution. Babies are born. Death is everywhere. Love and connection come calling to rattle our senses.

Pain passes from one to another as if through a shifting flame. Some of us go deep inside to seek an ancient knowledge embedded within the spirit beyond the flesh.

Truths are often distorted until it feels right — till you’ve positioned the situation someplace where you can summon a sense of false justification for the wrongs you’ve caused.

It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. You can only do the best you can at any given moment.

But the truth simmers deep within. It hides in the core of your being and awaits your attention. Someday, you will make an internal leap toward a tsunami of revelations that will uncover all that you have buried — All that you’ve tried to forget, and all that will unravel you when you are brave enough to explore the uncharted path.

Life.

No one escapes the human experience. Above all else, each one of us yearns to be pulled out from the inside by someone who can really see us. We crave to be heard by those we love and hold dear.

Do we really listen to one another?

Life. Death. Love & Connection — All that encompasses the moments between birth and death may never be fully articulated, but in sharing our experiences and deepest truths, we may reach greater states of the human condition.

We may bond and understand. We may love more deeply, forgive faster and speak to one another without judgement, fear or resentment.

We may discover a better world.

Buddha said:

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”

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If I said …

Life

Grateful.

However, that one thing encompasses many different facets of the same jewel. Within gratitude, there is love and hope. There is appreciation and strength, consciousness and humility.

There are concepts which transcend the specific aspects in life. There are aspects which occupy the shadows which I try not to complain about because it seems inconsistent with the gratitude I have for my life.

— Xavier Eastenbrick.

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If I said …

Death

Honor.

With death comes distinction. The contrast between the living and the dead is absolute. Mortality becomes reality. Yet, so does our immortality — the eternal spirit within. You feel it more than ever.

When sharing time with a dying person, the space becomes sacred; the energy shifts into something higher to aid the transition.

Divinity is revealed.

When you can sense that, the pain accompanying the death of a loved one becomes enshrined with a god-force — with love and gratitude.

Respect and love for everything is magnified. Death is all around, and you learn that what was once a great fear is no more.

— Kim Petersen.

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If I said …

Love

Sacred Bonds & friendship.

“May love find you and wrap your heart in an inspired cocoon, and draw from that wrapping the beautiful butterfly of you coming into all your being.

Live out loud and let nothing steal your voice. Let 2020 be a year of transmutation.”

— Xavier Eastenbrick.

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Love is a snippet of conversation:

“You say the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. How come?”

“I don’t just say things. I mean what I say, I think you know that. I trust you.”

“I trust you, too.”

“Thank you. I appreciate you and the gift of your communication.”

“Who are you?”

— Xavier & Kim

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Love is stripping the layers and living from the inside out. It’s being willing to share yourself with someone because you know they sense your worth.

They see you and you see them back. To love and be loved is the highest privilege.

— Kim.

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It would depend on when you asked me because over the years it has evolved from a concept rattling around the developing mind of a young man, to an amorphous, overwhelming emotion, to an intensely conscious feeling of its presence within me.

Since encountering her, love immediately gravitates to mean her.

Love floods my soul with a radiating energy that extends to all parts of my creativity and the best parts of me; both in the now and in the making. Love pushes me forward. While at the same time, when needed, it keeps me at a distance.

Many confuse sexual desire and lust for love, and while they exist in the bounds of love the reality is, those elements alone are hollow and ephemeral. When desire and lust exist within love, they have the ability to transmute the energy of love into another level of consciousness; the space between the intersecting circles of the Vesica Piscis.

Once this energy is created, it multiplies just as cells divide and becomes life within the order of the universe’s sacred geometry.

My life has been the crucible fire; forging an understanding of love that makes me humble to appreciate the dichotomy of the smallness of me as a being, but also the infinite of participating in it.

Aside from the fate laden descriptive way I articulated my response, love is also playful and personal; it’s laughing with abandon, soft to the touch, and a raging passionate monster almost untameable.

Love fearlessly searches for greater degrees of depth.

— Xavier.

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If I said …

Connection

Oneness. Completion. Tranquillity. Truth.

Connection is that slight pulse that begins in your soul and grows intense when confronting deep truths. The feeling you cannot ignore when you sense the invisible cords linking you to something more; something beautiful … something like higher-love and all that is.

It is inner-recognition; a spark igniting in your soul when you encounter someone significant. The flame. It’s piecing the puzzles of moments passed and marveling at divine synchronicity.

It is being afraid to explore sacred bonds but finding the courage to go there because to deny the connection is to deny yourself the opportunity to experience the deepest love you’ll ever know.

Connection is peeking from the blinders to behold the wonderful moments when clarity finds you; when you become still and reach for more. When you find the key to unlock parts of your soul to revelations that blow your mind and you realize connection had never eluded you.

It was you that had avoided real connection all along.

— Kim.

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Thank you for reading! What’s your answer when confronted by those words?

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Also published by Imperfect Words at Medium

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available now!

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Life, Death, Love and Sexy Connections with Soul.

In this collection of short, heartfelt essays, Kim Petersen explores what it means to live an authentic life, strengthen bonds and nurture real connections in a hyper-connected world, while Xavier Eastenbrick goes deep on the Twin Flame Soul Connection.

Each piece shares the unpredictable, meaningful and often humorous experiences of one woman’s journey as a daughter, a wife and a lover, a mother and a friend as she ignores boundaries to get real and gritty.

In these short pieces, Kim and Xavier tease out their vulnerabilities to bring unity and love to the page by recounting some of their most pivotal moments, deepest fears and wildest dreams. Through their unique voices, you will find a safe place to laugh, cry and be inspired to live an authentic life.

If you like to explore deep soul connections, love and sexuality, and ponder the meaning of life with a side of humor, this book is for you.

Life. Death. Love & Connection is the first collection of short memoirs from Whispering Ink, with bestselling author Kim Petersen and Xavier Eastenbrick.

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Love Doesn’t Always Mean Monogamy

And it’s not as bad as you think.

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Think back to your first relationship. Could you have been completely satisfied with remaining with that person forevermore? Could you have faced a lifetime of learning and growing from that first love? What about your second lover … third?

While some of us are destined to discover true connection within that first relationship, more often than not this isn’t the case. By true connection, I am referring to the kind of bonds that trigger inner growth on the essential levels — emotionally; spiritually; sexually; soulfully.

Complete fusion.

These are the qualities vital to propel and shift us into expansion as we move through life. Relational aspects that continue to flourish and deepen as the connection matures — rare bonds established on a soul level destined to rattle our senses, ignite change and show us deep love.

There are all kinds of love — Self-love; affectionate and playful love; familiar and enduring love. Unconditional love.

It is through experiencing love that we learn how to give and receive love. We learn important qualities like empathy, gratitude and compassion. Each connection brings inner growth and teaches us what it means to bond and share selflessly.

To love and be loved is our ultimate purpose during our lifetimes.

It is strange how western society in particular has managed to erect invisible boundaries and rules around the concept of love, and in the process, thwarting the true meaning behind love and connection.

Real love is freedom.

To believe we embark on a lifetime to experience just one significant mate is delusional. Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle said: “Monogamy is invented for order and investment — but not necessarily because it’s natural.”

If humans were truly monogamous creatures, we would behave like geese — stick with our first mates and take none thereafter; even after the death of a spouse. There would be no divorce or second marriages, and there would be no tallying up the U.S. average of 7.2 sexual partners found in a recent Superdrug survey.

While the idea of committing to and sharing our lives with someone we love is a natural state to experience, so too is the falling ins and outs of relationships. In other words, not all relationships are designed or destined to last a lifetime.

In fact, most are not. It is natural for us to form and honor important connections as those souls move through our experience. Yet, we are on a continuous learning path and therefore, are supposed to be reaching for more in order to expand and evolve to higher states of being.

We do this through relationships and connections.

Relationships are the springboard for life-lessons and growth. Some relationships reach their peak before the connection plateaus to a place that no longer challenges us to grow and evolve into a better human being.

It is all about personal and spiritual growth and less about societal expectations and the pre-conceived ideals surrounding marriage. We are taught that it is wrong to fall in love with someone else when married or involved in a long-term relationship. We are made to feel ashamed for experiencing deep feelings for someone other than our spouse.

This school of thought is limiting and self-serving.

It doesn’t take into account how we change with time and attract new situations into our lives. It doesn’t acknowledge that it is natural for us to encounter, bond and share connections with other people who cross our paths for the purpose of expanding love and further propelling us into higher awareness. And it does not equate to love without condition.

Life happens.

Sometimes, we are presented with a bombshell in the form of a special connection despite our current circumstances. I have listened to folks speak about how we get to choose who we love, when in reality the opposite is true.

When real love touches our lives and imprints upon our soul, we have as much control over our feelings as we do the weather. We cannot control who captures our hearts and when; we cannot account for the appearance of those deep soul connections.

That is one of life’s most beautiful mysteries.

In fact, it is common that we cannot be truly ready to experience the greatest love of our lives until we have journeyed through other relationships that serve to prepare us for the ultimate connection.

I am by no means condoning cheating in the self-gratifying, adulterous sense. Nor promoting disrespect or hedonistic behavior.

What I mean is that often we make commitments and promises that hold true in the moment. Yet, signing a marriage contract doesn’t always account for the inevitable transformation bound to happen with maturity. Existing commitments cannot foresee detours in a person’s feelings or predict the future.

From the moment we are born we are learning, evolving and experiencing the world for the sole purpose of personal growth and soul lessons. Whether we acknowledge the fact that we are much more than our fleshy tombs becomes highly personal and reflective of where we are in terms of spiritual advancement.

When we are able to step back long enough to recognize connection for its true purpose, we may grasp the notion that nothing about relationships should encompass feelings of control or possession over another being — marital contract or not.

It is then we can see that relating and bonding with another person is about opening the heart and learning how to love unconditionally. It is the ability to allow your mate the freedom to experience their portion of life without imposing your will, insecurities or underlying desires upon their journey.

That is the true meaning of unconditional love — to love unselfishly and without placing a set of restrictions along with your affections or companionship. Unfortunately, very few of us strive to practice this kind of love.

The institution of marriage is a somewhat outdated notion in the grand scheme of things. Particularly when considering the advancement of humanity, and especially when contemplating the natural state of relations between the first humans to inhabit the earth who had very little use for marriage.

It is presumed that early males and females had sex with many partners, with the initial formations of marriages emerging around climate change and food — a richer meat-based diet meant that babies were born earlier requiring more care from their mothers. Before that, mothers were able to gather fruit and nuts whilst caring for their infants.

These may not have been marriages in the way that we think of marriages today, but couples in this period would probably have stayed together for about three or four years before parting ways. Perhaps it is no coincidence that this is exactly the length of time at which divorce rates peak in modern day marriages.

It was during this era that marriages became a union between two people and recognized by the community. Agriculture tied people to the land, meaning that at the end of the four-year period couples were less inclined to separate, choosing to work as a unit to feed and care for the children they produced.

The creation of marriage as a legal contract between men and women came into being over time as communities settled on what was a normal way for them to organize a family and then condense that normalcy into law.

Laws were created that gave men assurance that the children they were raising were their own; women that their husband would not leave them destitute.

So, the real origin of marriage evolved from the biological desire of both men and women to see their children survive, and until recently had less to do with love.

We are fast to claim each other forevermore. We typically thrive on co-dependency and are quick to pass judgement, point fingers and damn the one for following their heart should love come calling unexpectedly.

We seek to own, take commitment and twist it into something unnatural until it becomes a liability, when our natural state of being is the opposite — real love is the opposite.

Love is as mysterious and as beautiful as the meaning of life. Love doesn’t know restrictions — gender, age, geographical or race differences. Love doesn’t always recognize the institution of marriage.

It is an illusion to believe we have control over another human being within a marriage or otherwise. It is a farce to believe we can prevent another from falling in love with someone else.

All we are able to do is to practice being the best possible version of ourselves within any given moment — including when a relationship begins to no longer serve our greater needs, and especially when facing a straying spouse.

How we handle those high-level situations are what defines us as human beings.

Our greater needs are always about love and experiencing love in its highest form. Letting go of stale relationships is a part of the human experience. Allowing a relationship to end gracefully rather than bitterly is a part of love — caring for yourself enough to take the higher-road and knowing that all things unfold for your own growth and well-being as well as that of others.

Love only knows freedom and expression — It is acceptance and the ability to see past the blinders, the ego and the societal expectations on what constitutes a proper relationship. Love is allowing someone to be who they want to be, even when it hurts.

Real love is truly freedom.

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Also published by P.S. I Love You on Medium.

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Happy New Decade and thanks for reading!

Where’s the Excitement at?

Everyone else had it nailed. They seemed to be sure of who they were and what they wanted out of life. My friends graduated from school with plans. I graduated with a half-baked idea of umm … hairdressing. I think. That was after notions of becoming a marine biologist or a photographer idled through my mind.

A few years out of school I ran into a friend at a train station. I was heading home after spending the day in Sydney working a modeling shoot. It was during one of her interludes between our homeland and the States. She’d met an American fella when he was visiting Australia some years before. It was an encounter that solidified her path and had her spending much of her time in America until they eventually married and she settled there permanently.

“How’s your sex life?”

No, she didn’t say that, but it was the first thing that popped into my head when I spotted her; along with fuzzy memories of a Diesel concert, Love Cats and Working Class Man. Ah, the impression people leave in our minds – crowded school halls, The Cure and Jimmy Barnes scrawled over her canvas bag, and her staple line reserved for me when our paths collided.

“Hi Kimmm, how’s your sex life?”  

“Steamier than 91/2 Weeks.”

Grin.

We both knew the only thing happening between my sheets was a whole lot of sleep after some imaginative fantasies starring Michael Hutchence, but that’s what made this quirky exchange even more interesting.  

I wish I could say the same when faced with her incoming statement on the station that afternoon. Sometimes, snippets of conversations can stay with you for eternity. This was one of them.

“I always thought it would be you with the exciting life and not me.”

“Huh?”

I mean, what the actual fuck? I was 19 years old for crying out loud. Did she expect me to have an exciting life already? What constituted an exciting life anyway? I was smothered in studio make-up after a day beneath heavy lights and a fast stint on location, and that didn’t spike her “excitement” radar? Was America where the excitement was at?

I walked away feeling somewhat flat. I didn’t have an American boyfriend. My guy’s idea of adventure started and began with the car engine he kept mounted in his bedroom. Throw in a Van Damme flick, a bowl of weed and some munchies and it was happy days.

I never had it sorted. The modeling career was short-lived. I discovered very fast how much I loathed being photographed, and I couldn’t work out which was worse – the catwalk or the cameras. When my agent told me to drop five more kilos for a gig in Japan, I walked. I turned down an opportunity to experience excitement. Was Japan where the excitement was at? 

I’ll never know.

Not long after, I was walking home from the bus stop when a man drove by. He hit the brakes, chucked a “uey” and parked up ahead of me. He got out of the car with a huge grin. I was thinking I had a nutcase on my tail. Nothing new there but there was no place to go other than forward – he was on my street. I could almost spot my house if I squinted hard enough.

“Hi beautiful.”

“Hey.” Keep walking.

“Wait – I saw you and I had to stop because I know you’re perfect for a job.”

Stop walking. I was in-between jobs and needed cash.

“What job?”

“It pays well, 100 bucks an hour plus tips. You’ll get A LOT of tips, trust me.”

“A-huh, what’s the job?”

No, I’m not going to tell you he was looking for a hooker. He ran a high-end underground gambling house and wanted me to be their waitress-cum-eye-candy-cum-grope girl. The look on his face said it all.

He pushed a card in my hands. “Call me. You can start right away.” 

Was working in an illegal gambling house where the excitement was at? I never made that call. I’ll never know. 

There was another conversation that stuck with me. When I turned 40, a friend told me that I was going to love the 40’s. I was skeptical. 

“Okay, why?”

He laughed.  

“Because those are the years you discover who you really are and begin to own it. You just don’t care about as much – only the stuff and the people that matters.”

Sounded good. Maybe even a little exciting. I wasn’t sure that I believed him, though, because this was coming from a man who’d never had kids. He lived the life of a carefree artist without responsibilities. Enter wife and kids and that’s all changed now. I wonder how that’s working out for him. In his 40’s.

But it begged the questions: Who was I really and how would I find out?

I was never like everyone else. I’d spent my life trying to be like everyone else and feeling at odds with myself because I wasn’t. I mean, time and time again I’d turned down excitement, mostly because my idea of excitement didn’t gel with the usual. Or maybe because I never knew who I really was or what I wanted.

There were years when I devoted my life to my children. They filled the void. That happens, you know. To mothers. Children can provide that sense of purpose. Except, it’s a farce that cannot be sustained because we are not here for our children and nor are they here for us. They are here to fulfill their own destinies as we are.

Some people know right off the bat what they want out of life, but I never did, and I’d spent years trying to figure it out. I remember thinking that I probably didn’t have a “purpose” like other people. I was just here and that had to be enough. But it never was, and it wasn’t excitement that I craved; it was purpose. Soul purpose.

The moment I let go and stopped worrying about “why I was here” was the moment I knew where the excitement was at. It wasn’t in America or Japan, or an underground gambling house. It was in the little things and the big things, the simple stuff and the complexities. And it was ingrained in my experiences.

Excitement is:

• Desire and yearning – feeling the pain and learning how it shapes you.
• It’s in creation – carving out your life and choosing something different.
• It’s taking chances, believing in yourself that little bit more and cultivating faith.
• It’s listening to your gut, following your heart and claiming your joy.
• It’s getting vulnerable, making mistakes and breaking the rules.
• It’s passion – deep kisses that last forever and making love till the sun comes up.
• It’s not caring if you lose sleep.
• It’s letting the small stuff slide.
• It’s feeling your baby kick for the very first time.
• It’s forgiving people and forgiving yourself.
• It’s taking a deep breath and telling someone you love them.
• It’s pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.
• It’s choosing not to play it safe.  
• It’s daring to dream and appreciating each step it takes to realize your dreams.
• It’s failure and disappointment, then gritting your teeth and trying again.
• It’s tears and missing somebody until your heart cracks.
• It’s finding a message from someone special.
• It’s recognizing the rare.
• It’s the person that makes you feel things that you never thought possible.
• It’s the one that takes your breath away.
• It’s in the grit and the profane, the utterly crude and rude.
• It’s the beauty and the mysterious.
• It’s the sun emerging from the sea and the star soaring across the night sky.
• It’s the way your heart flutters when love comes calling.
• It’s learning to love yourself.  
• It’s in the perverted underground clubs.
• It’s the hookers and hustlers working the strip.
• It’s the filthy homeless man asking for a dime.
• It’s getting stuck out in a summer storm and laughing like a mad person in the rain.
• It’s finally being to true yourself and having the courage to follow through.
• It’s plugging in and plugging out.
• It’s not equating death with the end.
• It’s discovering your connection to life.
• It’s music and dancing like a crazy person.
• It’s exploring the unknown.
• It’s not being afraid to love through the storm because you know it’s worth it.
• It’s not being afraid to be different.
• It’s the way someone looks at you.
• It’s the way you look at yourself.
• It’s spending time with the people you care about.  
• It’s finding your wings – realizing who you really are and filling in the missing pieces.
• And it’s finally knowing your soul purpose and being good with however things turn out.  

Excitement never eluded me; it was already there, every step of the way. And my purpose? When I stopped overthinking it and searching outside of myself for the answers it found me and I realized that too was always there. I just wasn’t looking in the right places. Maybe my friend was right about the 40’s after all, because these years belong to me, and I’m owning them.     

The Unreal

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“What is real?”

“That is real which never changes.”

~  Ancient spiritual avatar from the book Wishes Fulfilled by Wayne Dyer.

During a recent conversation with my mother, she asked me what I considered to be materialistic. I felt a slight surge of delight ripple through me as I gazed towards the rolling green ranges that spread out from my home on the other side of the valley. They are the same peaks I regularly consult. Yes, I talk to the mountains as well as the stars and the ocean, because it is among those natural elements that I feel most anchored to the mystery of life.

The mystery of life has nothing to do with anything I own, or how much money I have in my bank account. I took a breath and smiled. I was ready to engage; this was my kind of talk.

Materialism.

The word instantly conjures images of money-oriented people who are excessively concerned about gathering material possessions – and yes, it’s exactly what the word implies. According to Madonna we do live in a material world, right?

Look around. Just about everything you see is tangible. If you can touch it, squeeze it and mould it, it must be real. The more money you can accumulate, the more of the real you can gather. The more of the real you can collect and own, the more you become real. Well, you must be real if you own things, and I’m more real because mine is bigger than yours.

Bigger. Better. Bullshit.

I’ve never measured my success or my self-worth on material possessions, even when I was younger and surrounded by people that liked nothing more than to compare their earthly possessions or talk non-stop about money. I’ve never understood. Honestly, I could not care less if your shoes are worth $500 or what kind of car you drive, or how big your house is.

Granted, it’s nice to have cool things to play with – I get that, I do. I feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the stuff you want. After all, that’s why we come here – to sift through our experiences; desire, want and create what we want, and learn as we walk the path. Of course, I want things for myself and my family. But for me, it’s the intention behind the desire that differs from the materialistic sense.

I’ll be honest, I do want success. I want financial freedom, I want to travel and explore parts of the world that beckon me, and I want to live in a home on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean. I would love to own a secluded cabin nestled deep in the woods too. Is that being materialistic?

Maybe. To some. Especially for those who might be getting a little uncomfortable reading this article and are beginning to think I’m being hypocritical.

My desires are fuelled by something other than physical comfort and wanting the biggest and the best. I want what I want because we do live in a world where money is necessary in order to survive, and fundamental to be able to expand our experiences.

More than anything, I want to expand, experience and savour what the world has to offer. I want to visit sacred caves in Colorado. I want to travel to places off the beaten track, be among Tibetan monks, make love at Niagara Falls, and experience diverse cultures because that is the kind of stuff that will enrich my soul. I choose the home by the sea and a cabin in the woods because that’s where I feel most connected with earth’s energy. That’s where I can breathe and just be when I need time away from the world.

I say this, yet at the same time it’s so important to get away from the importance of money, and to view it as only a means of exchange. But how do you achieve that? – By working to shed the cultural bonds that have been conditioned in us since birth; by dying to the ideals and values that measure us on a materialistic basis and reinventing our perspectives, and perhaps surrendering to a new outlook that money and material possessions are not real.

The answer I gave my mother was simple – I consider anything that cannot be taken with you upon your physical death to be materialistic. Anything.

This is where it gets interesting for me because I’m not only talking about material possessions. I’m talking about anything that isn’t really you – Ego. Reputation. Beliefs. Personality. Values. Hatred. Fame. Accolades. Emotions. Body.

I’m not saying these attributes are unimportant, or as important as you want them to be, but each of those qualities change. All these unseen influences make up who we are and how we view the world during our lifetimes, but you won’t be taking your reputation along with you when you cark it. Nobody on the other side is going to care how many awards you won.

At the end of your life, all you get to take is your soul and the growth fostered during the experience of your lifetime. And I’ll tell you this for free; it’s only about love – how much you learned from it, and how much you were able to give and receive.

If that is real that never changes, then real can only be your spirit or soul.

What is real is love.

 

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