life, life lessons, Living Out Loud Pub, mindset

Perception: The Power to Reframe Things

How you perceive the world needs to be seeded from the inside.

No one can see the world as you do, and within that canvas we all share, you are the producer of your own reality, a world only you can carry. Add another pair of eyes, and you find yourself with two frames, with two realms of interpretations, with two worlds ready to collide. That’s perspective.

And there’s a gap between perception and reality.

The state of things you believe to be true is, in fact, nothing more but a small portion of the bigger truth. A truth no human ever had access to, nor could hope to hold in the palms of his hands.

And yet, too often, we are preoccupied with what other people are thinking. Too often, we are preoccupied with how others see us. Too often, we forget that things are not what they are, but in fact, what we think they are.

Within that gap between perception and reality lies the power to reframe things.

Wayne Dyer said:

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

In other words, how you perceive the world needs to be seeded from the inside. — Kim Petersen

1. Let’s Talk About Inputs

The world in which we live is a lively place. Take a look at how busy you are, multiply it by 7 billion, and you won’t even get close to the answer. With so many things to do, discover, and experience, it’s easy to get lost. With so many versions of the same story, it’s easy not knowing what to believe anymore.

Our sense of sight has long been corrupted by what the people around us see as beautiful. Our sense of taste, criticized by what people deem as non-healthy. Our sense of touch, condemned by people with a golden cage of principles. And our sense of self, alienated by our desire to be like the celebrities on our screens.

In a world with so many inputs, the best thing you can do is to never lose your output.

It’s okay to learn from others, and it’s definitely okay to learn from their successes as well as their mistakes. But there are two truths hidden here:

You won’t necessarily meet success where someone else did, and where someone failed, you can succeed. Don’t be quick to jump in the fray, and please, don’t sell yourself short.

Every input life throws at you needs to be filtered by what’s inside you. They all need to be digested and transformed by your experiences and aspirations. And then, redirected out in the world through actions of your own.

No one can relate to you as well as you do. So you have to do the job by yourself and reach that world only you can create.

You lived a beautiful life, you went through a compound of experiences, and you survived. For that reason alone, your voice matter. For that reason alone, you have the right to perceive the world in a way that benefits you.

2. Let’s Talk About Approval

The reason why we want to please people so much is that we want to be accepted. We want to be loved, invited to gatherings, included, and we especially do not want to be left out. We are social beings, and we long for that connection of the psyche, for the warmth it gives us in the winter, and for its freshness in the summer.

But before being accepted by others, please accept yourself. You may think the people in front of you are the only ones that will ever accept you. You may think you have to do whatever you can to stay in their good graces, but that is simply not true.

You have the right to be yourself, and by being you, you will attract people in love with that self. The world is of different spices, and you have yet to taste them all. Don’t be afraid to show yourself, don’t be afraid to be alone because of what is right. Sometimes, the best place to see the light is in the dark.

Please, be the You only you can be.

I recently read a tweet:

What doesn’t kill you makes you weird at intimacy.

What we forget is that weird can only exist within contradictions. Dancing naked at work is only weird if you’re not in a strip club, eating ice cream in the winter is only weird if you do not want to eat it, and saying “I love you” is only weird if you don’t think it to be true.

When you see the world as others do, and not as you do, you contradict yourself. And thus, you act weird.

Clive Staples Lewis said:

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”

The only way to be you, to be the best version of you, to get what you want and what you deserve is to be you, the person only you know. Everyone else is already taken.

3. Let’s Reframe It, Perception

I walked a subjectively fair amount of years in this life, and I met my share of people. Of them all, never once, I heard someone seeking the opposite of happiness.

That feeling of joy and contentment has long been a quest of humankind. Some went to look for it in material goods and riches, others in love and pleasures. And when the high passed, the bummed started.

Because someone is rich, you think he must be happy. Because someone is accompanied, you think he should be exalted. And that may be true, but are the circumstances of our life all it takes to be happy?

I watched a Ted Talk recently. The speaker talked about an experiment with two dogs in two cages made of electric floors. Every now and then, an electric shock was sent to both. But one of the dogs had a button that could stop the discharge.

At the end of the experiment, the dog with the button was relatively happy, and the other one was completely depressed.

“The circumstances of our lives may actually matter less to our happiness than the sense of control we feel over our lives.” — Roy Sutherland

By getting out of the box you were put into, and by perceiving the world from your point of view, you can take back the control over your life. And with it, more chance at happiness.

Here’s a quote from Terry Pratchett:

“A European says: I can’t understand this, what’s wrong with me? An American says: I can’t understand this, what’s wrong with him?”

Reframe it, perception.

As Roy Sutherland perfectly summed it. Choose your frame of reference and the perceived value, and therefore, the actual value is completely transformed.

The Takeaway

Life has many teachers, empty pockets, broken hearts, and health issues are a few of them. And though they are the same for everyone, they do not teach us the same lessons, for you are your own person, with your own experiences and your own aspirations.

Be aware of the inputs the world throws at you, learn from them, filter them and transform them. Don’t be afraid of the word “weird.” It can only be applied to you if you contradict yourself. Reframe your perception and take back the control you deserve.

Your life is your own to live, and you matter more than you think.

How you perceive the world needs to be seeded from the inside.

Gerthy Bingoly

From Medium: Writing about the things the eye cannot see, and looking for inspiration where my feet cannot take me. Write me at gerthywrites@gmail.com

Discover more of Gerthy’s work at his Medium page: https://gerthyb.medium.com/

This post was originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.

Inspiration, life, life lessons, Living Out Loud Pub, Love and Connection, mindset

How The Four Happy Hormones Can Help Replenish Your Vitality

#3 Oxytocin, the love hormone.

by Gerthy Bingoly

The human body is a machine made to feel, an apparatus of excitement and pain, a box of emotions. Those feel good and feel bad moments are at the center of your everyday activities. The difference between waking up with a smile and jumping out of bed with a fright can drastically affect the tasks you planned to do.

Your energy levels, and without a doubt, your health, are closely related to the feelings happening in that little heart of yours. It’s a complex relationship, or rather an equation. One, I believe, we must solve every day.

When your energy level is high, you have more resources to help you during the day. From excitement to pain tolerance and from focus to willpower, you have more tools to power through the intricacies life throws at you, more means to resist the temptation of that snooze button.

On the contrary, when your energy level is low, the absence of those resources, the absence of that net, leaves you exposed to most of the negative feelings out there. Thus, the tendencies to take the path of least resistance.

Happiness has the power to bring you the energy you need. By understanding your body, you have the chance to create that feeling of well-being, joy, and contentment. Those four hormones can help you on that journey.

1. Dopamine, The Anticipation Hormone

Dopamine is known as the feel-good neurotransmitter — a chemical that ferries information between neurons. The brain releases it when we eat food that we crave or while we have sex, contributing to feelings of pleasure and satisfaction as part of the reward system.

Some twenty years ago, the little kid I was, was always excited at the start of December. Every first of the month, I would write a letter to Santa and then eagerly wait to unpack my gifts. That little action of putting words on paper was enough to make me happy and full of energy for the weeks to come.

The little kids have it a bit easier here: more things to discover and less to worry about — in most cases. As adults, you can do the same. You can use anticipation to bring happiness into your daily life.

I wake up at 4 am every Monday to Friday, and while I do my best to be in bed before 10 pm, a good night’s sleep is not the only reason why my phone and the wall haven’t met yet. I know I’m lazy, so I give myself rewards throughout the day. Every four hours, to be exact.

Early in the morning, I give myself a bit of social media time. When the sun starts waking up, just before work, it’s my cartoon time, with a bowl of cereals and some sweets. At noon, it’s lunch and fresh air. When twilight rings, I let my body sweat as I work out. And when the day is about to end, I give my body the pleasure of sleep.

It can be a food you’re eager to eat, a book you’re excited to read, someone you want to meet, an oncoming gathering with loved ones, or simply watching the sunset. In either case, you can use those little things you like to make you happier. Reward yourself.

2. Endorphins, The Soothing Hormone

When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine.

A lot of people exercise nowadays. You don’t even have to look on your phone, take a peek out your window long enough, and you’ll see someone jogging outside. While some people train for a competition or simply to stay in shape, you can use it to be a little happier.

You don’t have to work out for one hour every day. You don’t even have to go to the gym. Fifteen minutes in the comfort of your home is enough. Sweat a bit, don’t forget to stretch and take a good shower — a simple formula of happiness.

Exercising is good for the focus it provides, it’s a good method to center yourself and calm your emotions. And it comes with a bonus. It makes you hella proud of yourself.

3. Oxytocin, The Love Hormone

Oxytocin is typically linked to warm, fuzzy feelings and shown in some research to lower stress and anxiety. It has the power to regulate our emotional responses and pro-social behaviors, including trust, empathy, gazing, positive memories, processing of bonding cues, and positive communication.

Love can give us the strength to slay giants. Ask Goliath if you don’t believe me. It’s one of those feelings that can make you look like another person, a version of yourself you didn’t know existed. It can make you shine with confidence and unexpected willpower.

And I’m not just talking about passionate love. Any kind of love has the power to make you happy. We’re social beings. We like to be connected to people, in touch or thought.

While it is okay to be alone, and I insist on this, it is okay to be alone. It is also okay to take time for yourself, time to heal. But please, find the strength to connect with the ones you love.

Life is about balance, and nothing is created out of nothing. Every one of us is busy living his life, and most often than not, we’re not aware of the whereabouts of others. Don’t wait for happiness, don’t wait for love, take action, and go get it. It is your right, and you deserve it.

There are lots of ways to feel love.

About one month ago, I started a “hello stranger” routine (if you have a cooler name, let me know). Each time I entered any store, I took the time to talk to one person, usually the cashier or the employee on the floor. We would talk about anything, deviating from the product to life, talking about a Netflix show in a cannabis store, or about engineering in a shopping center.

Love creates love, and happiness creates happiness. Spread them, and they’ll surely come back to you. It’s contagious.

Talk to someone, call a friend, or cuddle your cat. But take action, your body and your heart will thank you for it. Though, do it at your own pace, one step at a time.

4. Serotonin, The Mood Hormone

Serotonin is the key hormone that stabilizes your mood, feelings of well-being, and happiness. This hormone impacts your entire body. It enables brain cells and other nervous system cells to communicate with each other.

The phrase “you are what you eat” takes all its sense here. One thing you can do to regulate your mood hormone is to control your diet, not to reduce your weight, but to feel comfortable in your body.

Every morning, as soon as I wake up, my bottle of water is waiting for me at my bedside. A couple of sips and I’m ready to go out of bed. The human body is made of 60 percent of water, more so in the brain and the lungs, and one glass can jump-start your metabolism.

What you eat during the day also matters, particularly at lunch. I’m not a nutritionist, but a well-constructed meal of protein, veggies, and fewer carbs, does wonder for my body. And taking a short walk in the sun lightens up my mood for the rest of the afternoon.

A good night’s sleep can also help improve your levels of serotonin. And with it your mood the next morning. In the evening, a light meal usually does the trick. You don’t want to put too much strain on your stomach while Morpheus is calling you.

The Takeaway

The human body is like an engine, and like every machine, it needs fuel to rise to its full potential. That energy can be found in the small actions you take during the day, actions endowed with happiness.

And of course some days you’ll be sad. Always acknowledge your feelings, but remember that you cannot protect yourself from sadness without opening your heart to happiness.

Benjamin Franklin said:

“Happiness consists more in small conveniences or pleasures that occur every day, than in great pieces of good fortune that happen but seldom to a man in the course of his life.”

You don’t have to wait for the day, and you don’t have to wait for the one. You can take action now. Life is much more enjoyable when we have the strength to live it.

ABOUT GERTHY BINGOLY

Writing about the things the eye cannot see, and looking for inspiration where my feet cannot take me. Write me a few words at gerthywrites@gmail.com or reach me on instagram.com/gerthywrites

Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium

life, Love and Connection, mindset, People, relationships, Women

Handling the Friend Who Shamelessly Flirts with Your Man

There’s always a friend you can never quite trust.

She’s the friend who barely waits for your back to be turned before she transforms into a sex bomb, tossing her hair and swinging her hips as she saunters across the room with your man firmly in sight. You try to quell the annoyance splitting your brain as she smiles wide enough to swallow him whole. You take a breath, reminding yourself what it means to be the “better” person — the collected, Stoic kind of person. Besides, you know that he only has eyes for you. But that isn’t always enough to tame the jealousy trickling in your veins like poison ivy, is it?

Hell, no. You’re only human, honey.

“Every girl in here has got a girlfriend they don’t trust around their man.”

— Chris Rock

Jealousy is one of those emotions that instantly implies childlike negativity. We’re frequently told that it’s not healthy or “evolved” to feel the pain of jealousy, or we are instructed to stop being so sensitive and be more stoic in our approach to life. Because to not be vulnerable or acknowledge why we are experiencing a certain emotion is better than actually feeling the raw emotion of life, right?

Ha.

Stoicism may teach us to accept the present moment and be less focused on desirable pleasures and the fear of pain, but none of us are totally immune to experiencing a “negative” pang-feel every now then. Or the tantalizing sensations of sexual desire for that matter.

And who in their right mind would want to deny such wonderful pleasures, anyway?

Certainly not I.

It’s called living, experiencing, connecting and learning, and frankly, I believe that feeling a little romantic jealousy has its purpose in love. Every emotion you feel is valid, regardless of what others have to say about it or if you feel as though you’re overeating. Further, your feelings actually reveal something about you, as well as that they may indicate the depth of your feelings for someone else.

You may be feeling jealous because you are head-over-heels in love.

Jenni Skyler, who is the director of The Intimacy Institute in Colorado tells us:

“Feeling jealous at some point is totally normal because it’s a Band-Aid emotion, so to speak. Everyone experiences two core emotional fears — a fear of not being good enough or a fear of being left out. We all have at least a little degree of one of those two issues — we’re basically wired that way.”

So, we learn that jealousy is a normal emotion to experience in our relationships from time to time. Though, when faced with a trusted friend who vies for your man’s attention each time that she’s in his presence, the blow can do a double-time on your psyche.

Here’s what she looks like and how to handle it.

A Woman’s Toolbox = Feminine Sexuality

Whether she admits it not, just about every woman eventually realizes her one powerful advantage over a man is her sexuality. We learn how to work our assets to attract male attention, and we just as fast acquire the skillsets to play on a man’s sexual desire, if we want to go there. Truthfully speaking, women have been groomed to behave this way to win male attention over her sisters from the get-go.

It’s just how it is.

And this innate sense of knowledge is true for a woman irrespective of whether or not she permits herself to use her sexually-alluring feminine virtues in a persuasive manner.

According to an article published by Science of the People, “men are more attracted to a woman who engages in flirtation behavior to show she is available versus the best-looking woman in the room.”

All good. Flirting is a natural part of the mating game. It’s just that some women are more comfortable exploiting and using their sexuality to manipulate men than others, and, unfortunately, some women possess no boundaries when it comes to who’s man they are flirting with — friendships be damned.

The Flirty Friend

You can be flirty. I can be flirty. Depending on who’s doing the flirting, it can be quite fun and definitely arousing. But I most definitely have never crossed the “flirty” line with a girlfriend’s man. That has never been my style.

Personally, when it comes to flirting, I much prefer to playfully tease a man on an intellectual level rather than bat my lashes and push my boobs in his face like a brainless ditz. There is just something about a man who can use his intellect to stimulate. It’s like the ultimate foreplay to foreplay, if you know what I mean.

Hmm… back to the flirty friend.

I used to know the woman in the opening paragraph around the same time that I met my now husband. She was a shocker around men. It didn’t matter who he “belonged” to — if he was male and within her proximity, he was an open game.

Shocking, huh?

My friend had no qualms about shamelessly flirting with my husband each time she was around us. I’m talking full-ball performance here — from showing up wearing revealing clothes to the coy smiles to the accidently-on-purpose pawing all over him to the relentless playful banter.

It was draining just watching her.

Naturally, he reacted accordingly. She was a gorgeous woman and, well, it’s hard to find a hotblooded heterosexual man in this world who doesn’t respond in some fashion to the attention of an attractive lady.

It’s an ego thing.

Makes him feel connected to his “sexual-conqueror self” and all that masculinity stuff, reminding him that he’s still got what it takes to capture the interest and hook attractive women.

Enough said about that.

I’m not sure if my friend behaved like a hussy due to some kind of buried childhood scarring. You know, like “daddy” issues or fear of abandonment and whatnot. Honestly, I didn’t care. I’m not the type to pin the blame of adult behavior on childhood trauma, and especially not when it comes to matters of the heart.

We all have a past that we must work on if we’re going to get the most out of this life. And most adults know the difference between good and bad behavior within our friendships, too.

Chris Rock is a funny guy. I remembering hearing the below quote and laughing because it was so true when he said:

“When a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, when they walk away, his boy goes, ‘Aww man, she’s nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.’ When a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, after they walk away, her girlfriend goes, ‘I gotta have THAT guy.’”

It just goes to show that a woman can be downright determined when she fancies a man. Even more so when she falls in love with him. Let’s not explore that scenario right now.

Handling the Flirty Friend

At first, I tried very hard to be the “better” person in the above-mentioned situation. I didn’t want to let my friend’s extreme flirtatiousness affect me. Even though she possessed some lovely qualities — she was fun, upbeat, kind and interesting — I knew deep down that what she was doing was pretty rotten.

It doesn’t matter much you focus on the positive qualities of some people, or how far you strive to be that “better” person, at the end of the day it comes down to what you are willing to accept as a part of your life experience.

The entire situation eventually snowballed when she showed up at my doorstep eager to impart saucy titbits craftily concocted by her fascination. That was when her devious mindset had worn down its final thread — The cunning tongue, rear door insinuations and sly attempted take-downs …. the way she seemed to have no regard for my feelings.

No thanks.

So, I handled it. I cut her from my life and never looked back.

Game over.

Sometimes, the anecdote to poison ivy is having the guts to suck out the venom and walk away. Because life is too fleeting and precious to waste on the weeds.

Also published by Living Out Loud on Medium

life, Love and Connection, mindset, relationships, Romance

Relationship Power-Struggles? It May be Time to Surrender to Love

Let’s talk about love connection, baby.

“Surrender isn’t about being passive. It’s about being open.”
— Danielle LaPorte

Remember when you used to play that game of tug-of-war as a kid? You willingly chose to place yourself in a situation where two people or factions fought to keep or obtain the same thing. Love can often feel like a game of tug-of-war. It’s that push-pull dynamic between a couple that usually causes more harm than good. But tug-of-war only works if both sides pull on the rope and struggle fiercely — if one side let’s go of the rope, it’s game over — there is no longer a tug-of-war.

The same rule applies to the game of love.

The inevitable moment will come when every couple engages in some kind of power struggle. We go from completely giving ourselves over to a new lover at the beginning of a relationship, to the sometimes-messy task of establishing a sense of equilibrium and balance.

Kind of like an emotional game of tug-of-war.

I was super young when I fell for the guy who eventually became my first husband. At the time, it wasn’t long before I was head-over-heels in love with him, spending every free moment together between the long hours working as an apprentice in a hair salon.

He didn’t hide the fact that he was utterly captivated by me, showing his adoration through attentiveness, surprising me with gifts and often talking about the future. He came across as thoughtful, gentle and kind, and he declared his love for me quite early on in the relationship.

It was the famous “honeymoon” phase in the love-game that precedes the power-struggle stage of a union.

Actually, this “balancing” phase of a relationship is necessary and important. Not only is this period the part when you get to fully work out your lover’s true intentions and motivations for the future of the relationship, but the push-pull dynamic is where you will truly find love’s foundations — the stability and security within the relationship that allows you to establish trust with your heart enough to carry it forward. Then, you can get back to your normal life after surviving the sexy love-storm (well, somewhat).

Not to mention that you might even discover a surprise or two about your lover during this stage. Like those personality quirks you didn’t realize existed until now . . .

Hmm . . . Why the hell does he flush the toilet 2/3 of the way through peeing so that there is still a little bit of pee left in the loo after it’s done flushing?

Such is the mystery of love (and men), but let’s talk about . . .

Love Games

Author of The Love Gap, Jenna Birch knows that power-struggles in relationships can take on different forms: “Sometimes, they come from the place of believing you’re right and your partner’s wrong, and you both should get your way entirely — because it’s ‘the best way’”.

You know, the best way isn’t always the right way. Besides that, someone wise once said that “two wrongs don’t make a right”, right?

We all know it even when we pretend that we don’t.

As with every situation, we find ourselves in life recognizing when you are in midst of the power-struggle phase is the first step toward gaining clarity and resolution over said dynamic — provided that you’re both reasonable adults, of course.

The blame-game sucks, yes?

Agreed.

So, if you aren’t prepared, this rocky little path can fast lead toward ridiculous accusations, dumbass denial and multi-rounds of that dreadful blame-game.

I love you, for sure.

He said.

The dynamic usually reveals itself as the intrinsic need to self-affirm and assert oneself on the many levels encompassing the relationship. It can even eventuate as a long-term love/hate power-trip game if we’re not careful.

I’m sure you know how it goes — a certain whiff of self-centeredness rears its ugly head and suddenly, you’re going loggerheads with your beloved.

If you aren’t ready for and aware of it, accusations bordering on ludicrous may fly like doves on speed in both directions.

How it plays out is determined by the maturity of the couple. That, and how much each person has opened themselves to the relationship at the height of the “love-bubble” period.

Red Flags

If both people have the proper emotional tools at hand, this emotional war for power doesn’t have to be too draining — but “emotional tools” equate to a certain level of emotional maturity.

That doesn’t mean you or your partner have all the answers, but it does mean that you both have the skill-set to keep your cool when things become stormy, and that’s important in love.

Personally, I think that this “power-struggle” period of a relationship is the perfect time to flush out and recognize any “red flags” about your partner’s behavior and personality that you may have missed during the initial love-drunk stage.

Toxic and controlling behavior like treating you like a child, unpredictable outbursts, lecturing, blame and trivializing your feelings.

For instance, looking back at this period of time with my first husband, I can clearly point out those above-mentioned traits as well as his need to monitor my every move, treat me to unbearably long lectures and show his ever-growing jealousy.

I just wish that I had the sense of personal power and wisdom to follow my intuition at the time. As it was, I went ahead and married him despite the red flags.

Surrender to Love

Surrendering to love doesn’t mean that you give up your power and become someone’s doormat, or even placing yourself at the mercy of your lover’s whims.

What I am suggesting is that you take the philosophy that empowers you and enhances your own inner-connectedness — to yourself and your lover — the high road on the journey of love.

No one ever really wins at a power-struggle. There are only losers of the heart.

Every harsh word. Each accusation. Every single act of rage, gaslighting, emotional blackmail or punishment — all of those interactions contribute to slowly corroding the quality of your relationship and stripping the connection of trust over time.

Love is more worthy. You are more worthy.

You’ve got to remember that you always have a choice about how you respond to your lover and how you perceive any given situation, no matter how intense and emotional things become between you — you have a choice.

My ex-husband possessed neither the emotional tools nor mindset to overcome his toxic, argumentative ways of being in the world, never searching inside of himself to become a better person, father and husband. This is a man who took no responsibility for the hurt and pain he caused others. Nor did he make an effort to control his emotional agitation or even try to understand me — who I was or the way I saw the world.

That’s the complete opposite of surrendering to love.

It was a choice that limited him, broke our relationship and damaged the actual process of love. Love cannot be manipulated like a puppeteer.

Love cannot be shackled to a kitchen sink and controlled with brute force or intimidation, either.

Surrendering to love means both people commit to the process of loving, regardless of the circumstances. It means honor between souls enough to cherish the quality of the connection while choosing to deepen the bonds through seeking out the most valuable gifts in each other.

It means allowing love to thrive in its natural state — being who you are and accepting and relishing those differences, believing in each other, and choosing to love to a higher beat than ever before.

Surrendering to love is one of the greatest secrets of the meaning of life because the way and the degree in which you choose to love is what will reflect back into and enrich your personal experiences — it is the selfless act of giving and opening yourself to the wonders of your heart-space — the place where amazing bits of you awaits your personal discovery within your lover’s heart and soul.

Beautify your life journey through deeper connection. Surrender to love.

This article was originally published by P.S I Love You on Medium

Be inspired, life, mindset, People

The 8 Natural Qualities of Exceptionally Cool People

Cool isn’t just what you say, it’s what you do.

Austin Powers. For some reason, the prolific 1960s spy who was unfrozen and thrust into an array of new assignments in a confusing ’90s world, is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of someone exceptionally cool — “Yeah, baby?”

Okay, so the main selling point of the film series was clearly imbued with the joyous sexism reminiscent of early Bond flicks, but no one can deny that the always-up-for a-good-time, lusting for life and love Austin Powers, was exceptionally cool in his own right.

Love him or hate him, Austin Powers is remarkably unique.

Have you ever observed someone and thought: “Whoa! That dude is so cool. I want to be like that.”

It is never because of what there are wearing, what they do for a living or what they own. It is because there is something about them that makes them stand out from the crowd.

Something you admire.

That’s how all exceptionally cool people are. Their way of being in the world — how they think, what they choose to do, and how they talk and move — is all part of their wildly different identity that draws others toward them.

If you’re anything like me, you may wonder how they got to be so damn cool. Is there a secret to being less-than-ordinary? Were these people just born with a magnetic personality?

Thankfully, we don’t have to be a shagadelic imitation of Austin Powers to be cool. That is because there is no one secret formula that separates what we call exceptionally cool people from the rest of us — it boils down to what and who they are, along with certain qualities that come naturally to them.

And it is something we can all easily learn and effectively reproduce in our own lives.

1. Cool is Friendliness

Sometimes it can feel as if the world is full of rude, ill-mannered and inconsiderate people.

That is very uncool.

The thing about the people we consider to be cool is that we appreciate them for their caring nature and willingness to treat others in the way they would like to be treated.

They will give you their undivided attention and you can sense their genuine interest in you. These kinds of people know that a friendly attitude makes a positive impact not only at an interpersonal level, but to the world as a whole.

Kindness creates a ripple-effect.

I don’t need to tell you that kind-hearted and friendly people attract more of the same into their lives, and that makes us want to spend more time getting to know them.

Applying the Friendliness Quality

Being kind and friendly makes you feel good about yourself — happier. Make an active choice to qualify any negative feelings with something that feels better.

All of us can take the initial move towards potential friendly behavior with others. We can all make a difference.

2. Cool is Confidence

“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” — Nelson Mandala

To be clear, when I speak of confidence, I’m not talking about blind arrogance here — that’s another category altogether.

However, I am touching on the type of self-confidence and self-belief that is needed to have faith in your skills and creativity — the kind that helps you keep striving to realize your life goals and dreams.

Pretty cool.

Yes, cool people have their low days and self-doubts like everyone else, but they also have the ability to overcome the fear of the unknown, set their personal-bar high and follow through with the courage to start new things.

They are the type who continue to test their limits and skills, while forming new ideas in their quest to manifest their greatest desires. Even when those around them are still pondering how to get started.

We naturally admire these people.

Applying the Confidence Quality

Try not to confuse confidence with ego. Rarely does one equal the other. Believing in yourself is what allows you to rise up and reach your potential. Realize that self-belief has a cause-and-effect motion, exactly as Nelson Mandala said in the above-mentioned quote.

That is positive power imbued in exceptionally cool confidence.

3. Cool is Philosophy

Every exceptionally cool thought leader is a forward-thinking rebel by nature. These individuals don’t much care about authority and are fast to question the ideal moral framework with regards to traditionalism, “right human conduct” and conformity.

Austin Powers provides a groovy example of a revolutionary mindset:

“If we had known the consequences of our sexual liberation, we would’ve done things much differently, but the spirit would remain the same. It’s freedom baby.”

Those with a sense of inner-freedom are the type who naturally live their life knowing the truth of John Allen Paulos’s popular observation about life:

“The only certainty in life is uncertainty”

Very cool people are open-minded with a focus on what matters most to them — their quality, freedom and vision for life, regardless of what others think of them.

Applying the Philosophy-Quality

I’m not suggesting that you need to break the law, wave your protesting-pitchforks at the next “extremists” rally or host psychedelic orgies to be cool.

But do try to make the time for introspection — stretch your awareness to encompass self; go deep and ask the important questions — about yourself, the world and your life purpose.

Analyze stale societal conventions that may be holding you back.

You see, opening your mind to new ideas is what creates positive change, improved thought-patterns and ways of being. Philosophy in a nutshell.

4. Cool is Inspiration

Just by being who you are.

A quality many cool people demonstrate is the innate love to evoke inspiration as much as they are motivated by the inspirational qualities in others. They give and take in mutual balance as they willingly share what they know minus the airs and graces.

That is, without being condescending or expecting something in return.

I also think that cool people strive to bring out the best in you by showing trust in your potential and lending you words of encouragement. It just feels uplifting to be around someone like that; as if you don’t need to worry about being judged, scorned or undervalued, even when you mess up.

But the best thing about cool people is that they walk-the-talk — fully backing up their words with actions, showing you what you mean to them.

Real life cool people know the power in showing up for others.

We can all do that.

Applying the Inspiration Quality

Don’t do things for people and always expect the favor returned. Try not to say things you don’t mean or make promises you cannot keep.

Short and sweet — keep it real. That’s inspirational.

5. Cool is Desirable

We all want to feel seen, known, and cherished by others.

Right? It’s the feeling that drives us towards attaining love, intimacy and connection in our lives.

Attraction is the energy emanating from within that draws people closer to us. It creates desire, intrigue, and deeper connections in relationships.

What is often misunderstood about desire and attraction is the fact that it has very little to do with your outwardly appearance and everything to do with how you feel about yourself.

Attraction happens from the inside out.

One of the coolest guys I know dated my girlfriend for a number of years. He wasn’t overly attractive but he was smart with a voracious, magnetic personality, and he was funny as hell.

Humor is very cool. You know this.

Anyway, just being around my friend’s fella somehow switched my energy meter to high, and that made him a desirable person to hang out with.

Cool people are less likely to spend time trying to create an appearance that fits a particular aesthetic and more time cultivating an inner connection to who they are.

Applying the Desirable Quality

First, you must realize and internalize that desirability is not about what you wear but how you wear it, and it’s definitely not about what you do but how you do it.

Feeling like an attractive human being is about cultivating an inner-connection to who you are and standing strong within yourself as that person.

Appreciate and love who you are.

Self-love and self-care are key factors because when you feel good about yourself, others will find those same qualities highly appealing. And it’s desirable.

6. Cool is Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, express and control your emotions, and it is a very cool quality in a person.

Whether expressing honest feelings or dealing with a blow-up of some sort, it takes a certain level of intellectual capacity and self-awareness to remain “together” during the hard times.

Think about the people you consider to be cool. I bet you seldom see them acting out with anger, or slicing and dicing someone with harsh words when things don’t go their way.

Cool people keep their cool.

They understand the significance of staying under control when circumstances force them to burn out. They also realize their irrational response will achieve nothing other than to worsen the situation.

They work at dealing with problems by focusing on solutions, rather than losing their cool. And they make sure you know that you are important to them, regardless of the circumstances.

Applying Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is mindfulness-in-action — it’s the ability to empathize, communicate effectively and defuse conflict.

Be conscious of your inner-world and immediate responses by practicing mindfulness through meditation, yoga, breathing exercises; and paying attention to the moment, your body and your feelings.

7. Cool is the Language of Love

What sets exceptionally cool people apart from everyone else is that they see the good in others and don’t withhold expressing their love to the people they care about.

It touches our hearts so deeply to feel the truth and honesty of love.

Somehow, cool people are able to effortlessly touch you in the most meaningful and unexpected ways with their deepest truths, acts of humility and humble hearts. They are the type of people who show you beauty where you previously saw none, as well as restoring your faith where you most need it.

That’s what cool people do — they remind us to believe that we too are worthy of great love, beauty and kindness.

Applying the Language of Love

Truly exposing yourself to the language of love can be scary because you must allow yourself to become vulnerable. I totally get that.

However difficult it may seem, you have got to remember that love is worth every bit of putting yourself out there, as that’s what creates deeper connection and intimacy in your life experiences.

Exposing ourselves to great love and vulnerability takes courage — take a deep breath and dip your toes in a little at a time. Trust your intuition. Celebrate your ability to sense and experience love deeply in this lifetime.

That’s what makes you beautifully human.

8. Cool is Being Your Authentic Self

It may very well be impossible to always operate from your authentic self, but it is entirely possible to become aware of and connect with your authenticity. It is making the choice to merge with that immaculate, hidden part of yourself once again; learning who you really are and how to be true to that person.

Cool people know the value in authenticity and keep up the inner-work to be able to identify when their behavior or actions don’t align with their authentic nature. They realize that to experience a meaningful life is to fully embrace who they are, holding their inner-sanctuary in a place of love and forgiveness, along with the important people in their lives.

Exceptionally cool people empower others with their presence. They have a knack for making you feel cool, too, just by being around them.

Applying the Authentic Quality

To find your authentic self, you’ve got to dig beneath the layers of borrowed thought processes and learned behavior, social conditioning and expectations; as well as needless education and unnecessary moral policing.

Qualify every aspect of your life by honoring who you are. Accept, connect and strengthen how you choose to love yourself and others.

Being authentic takes real practice and effort, though it’s an important aspect of your humanity worth striving for.

Friendliness, confidence, philosophy, inspirational, desirable, emotional intelligence, love and authenticity, are all shared qualities that come naturally to exceptionally cool people.

But they won’t tell you that they are essentially good people. They won’t need to — their actions will speak loud and clear.

Now, that’s exceptionally cool.

Yeah, baby!

Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium

life, Love and Connection, relationships

Is There Ever a Time to Deny Love?

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

“What does love mean if we would deny it to others?”
― DaShanne Stokes

“I don’t know how you do it.”

I’d probably said those words to Jeff more times than Googolplex. He’d told me that his soul belonged to her and that was how much he loved her. Though I wasn’t necessarily hitting on the depth of his love for the woman who wasn’t his wife — I knew how much he was suffering. Rather, I couldn’t fathom how he could deny such a love-connection.

He palmed his hair and shrugged. “You gotta do what you gotta do.”

“What? Deny real love?”

The look on his face was enough to wrench my heart clean from my chest. Glycerine by Bush filled in the silence. He’d often ask why I loved deep music. I told him it was because it stirred my soul in ways I couldn’t always articulate.

“I’ll never forget where you’re at.”

His soul was stirring like a brewing storm and it had nothing to do with the music.

“It’s not right…” He looked away. “Besides, I pushed her away so far that she would never want me, anyway.”

“You don’t know that.”

We’d stolen a few moments away from the others, escaping to my front porch, rocking on a swinging garden chair. A balmy evening, sipping on beer and chilling with friends. The cicadas whistled a song of their own.

What do you say to someone whose heart bleeds for love denied?

I’m not sure. But I’m a woman who believes that the heart can’t lie. Doesn’t matter what kind of logic we try to feed ourselves about it or how much we live a lie in order to cover the deep truths buried in our hearts — your heart will always lead you toward real love and your soul will always seek to find deeper meaning through stronger connections.

Maybe it is meant to be that way. Maybe we are supposed to experience love in different forms and with different people, and that “till death do us part” isn’t always in tune with human evolvement, spiritual advancement and personal growth.

Then again, Jeff seems to think that denying himself the love of his life is the right thing to do. But for who exactly?

It’s a pretty sticky situation, but I doubt that his wife and kids will get the best of him now that his soul has found another who feels true to him.

I’ve seen what happens when real love is denied for the sake of … hmm … let’s see — Marriage. Children. Combined assets and familial expectations. Contrasting beliefs and safe comfort zones.

Name one or all of the above. Makes no difference.

What’s in the heart is in the heart and no matter the circumstances, once love has ignited, it isn’t as easy as “blowing out” a flame or sticking your head in the sand to make it all go away.

I wish it were for Jeff’s sake and the woman who lives on the opposite side of the planet who had stolen his heart. She was hurting, too. They were never “together” in the physical sense, but I’d never witnessed a connection so strong; so resilient and pure. It was as if whatever was between them had a soul of its own, entwining them together on the higher planes and creating invisible love-patterns.

Something like that, anyway.

Jeff was in all kinds of torment. None of which he could speak of openly, let alone release himself from the pain that had become a constant in his life. It had been two years since he’d spoken to her.

Two years of silent hell.

“I have no choice,” said Jeff. “I love her but can’t afford to go there…”

I’m calling out BS on that one. Sorry, Jeff. We always have a choice.

Always.

The thing is that when we encounter something like this in our lives, our minds become so clouded with the “what if’s” — we are plagued with so many questions and fears that we wind up feeling blind and confused.

It is common for many of us to develop anxiety and lose sleep over decisions with such high stakes.

Jeff’s choice to deny his feelings afforded him something alright, and it was far from the happiness that could have been his had he chosen to have faith and trust in real love — had he taken the rare gift offered by the universe and followed his heart.

Now, I see a man who has been “killed alive” living a mediocre life between bouts of happiness burrowed from time with his kids, creative passions and his work. He loves his wife, but deep down, he knows that that love can’t begin to scratch the surface of the love between him and his surprise-lady.

I can only imagine what she had endured.

Denying Love

Jeff isn’t the same person as he was before meeting her. He used to be more upbeat and at ease with himself and his lot in life. He used to be happy.

This is what can happen when you deny love:

Pain and depression
Repeated attempts to rationalize your feelings
Obsessing about said feelings
Constantly looking for hints, clues and generally overthinking simple acts (which drives you crazy)
Frustration towards yourself for having the unwanted feelings
Resentment directed at the universe for revealing the most amazing person who feels unreachable
Resentment directed at your beloved for simply showing up and thus, throwing an unexpected spanner in the works
Stressing over whether the feelings are reciprocated or not
Sleepless nights further overthinking the relationship
Dark nights of the soul where you wish for nothing but the end
Feelings of hopelessness about the situation and a future that now appears more ordinary than ever before

I was talking to another friend about love-denial, who is much wiser than myself. He knows stuff about sacred unions, energy and how people are generally wired to think in the world. He has had much life experience and is usually spot on with his observations.

“Can someone really do that?” I asked while pondering Jeff and his woman, who I knew shared real love yet remained unconnected. “Can someone really choose to spend the rest of their life denying real love?”

“Yes, people do it all the time.”

I don’t know about you, but the thought makes me sad.

It’s because I tend to feel as if a love-connection like the one I have witnessed Jeff experiencing shows up to create deeper love and connection in the world. For a reason; like a higher purpose beyond what we, as mere mortals, can truly understand or even appreciate.

Some types of love are too powerful not to be.

Moreover, I know from my own experiences that nothing worthwhile ever comes without taking a leap of faith, nor does it seldom present itself in life without obstacles to overcome.

That’s the test of real love — it requires more than just the average investment or one foot in and the other out. It demands honor, respect and a side of sacrifice between the two hearts in order to beat as one and create a deep connection.

As it is, it looks as if Jeff will spend the rest of his life fighting the feelings that he could never bring himself to fully realize, and I can’t think of anything more tragic when it comes to love.

“Don’t let the days go by.”

I imagine him at the end of his life and looking back at what he lost — the chance to experience the greater love that he allowed to slip through his hands.

I mourn for this vision and the life he could have known.

For anyone else experiencing a similar situation — That is, denying love, the best solution is to:

Identify the reason for the denial of feelings
Accept the feelings
Know that being true to yourself is key to living an authentic life
Take responsibility
Recognize that it’s okay to have feelings
Decide whether to reveal or let them go
Respect yourself, the person with whom you have said feelings for, and all others involved
Realize that real love is rare and life is not forever

“If I found a soul-connection as deep as the one you have discovered in her, I’d hold onto that and give it my all. It’s just too rare to pass up.”

I had to bite back the tears when Jeff’s face became stoic at hearing those words.

He is a much stronger person than me; he can go on and pretend that he never had a taste offered in the form of precious soul love. He can make out that love meant nothing. And considering his ability to deny real love, it probably never will.

Though, I can’t help but wonder which path demands more strength and backbone — denying real love or accepting your feelings and going for the extraordinary?

Taking a leap of faith in this fleeting life.

In the opening quote, DaShanne Stokes asks — “What does love mean if we would deny it to others?”

I think we just answered that question.

Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.

life, Love and Connection, relationships, Uncategorized, Wealth

The Things I learned from Dating a Mexican Millionaire

Here’s 5 things I learned about money, racism and girlfriends

by Anna Foga

I have always been somebody who doesn’t care about money, living most of my life on a budget. I am a traveler and I usually try to stay away from the money-focused society, preferring to spend my days lazing away in a hammock with other backpackers. When I met my now-boyfriend on Tinder, I thought he would be just like any other random Tinder match. Even when we had our first date, I did not recognise the signs that he could be ultra-rich. Sure, he paid for everything and picked one of the most expensive restaurants in town, but for all I knew he was just trying to impress me.

As our dating life evolved, I started to realise he was not just the average Joe (or Juan). We always stayed in the fanciest hotels, had the nicest dinners and our weekend getaways were dripping in luxury. His gifts consisted of the newest Apple products to $3,000 plane tickets and even a car landed on my doorstep at one point.

Mexico is infamous for narcos and cocaine, and for a while I wondered if his money came from those sources. Was I starting to develop feelings for a drug-trafficker? During the course of our relationship I realised that was not the case and while I know now that not every Mexican rich guy is involved with Cartels, I did learn five other important lessons about dating a Mexican millionaire.

Here is some of what I have learned:

1. Most Rich Mexican Men Have Multiple Girlfriends

I don’t know if this has something to do with the Latino macho culture dominating this side of the world or if it is a common thing for rich people, but I have yet to find a wealthy Mexican who is faithful.

I know this might sound as if I am generalizing, but it just seems to be part of the high-class culture here. While my own boyfriend also has a wife and decided to open up his marriage, almost all of his (married) male friends have multiple secret girlfriends and/or fuckbuddies.

There is separate time reserved for the family and then there is time for their alter-lives and the additional girls. The men all know the wives of their friends but encourage each other to invite more girls and even share fuckbuddies between them. It is not uncommon either to celebrate birthdays with gifts in girls — your buddy organises a luxury party for you with many girls involved. Most men have a wife plus one or two girlfriends (mostly in other cities/countries) and numerous friends with benefits.

2. The Mexican Upper-layer is Miles from the Poorest

With the top 10% of the Mexican population earning more than 42% of the national income, it is no wonder that there is a massive wealth inequality. Only seven other countries in the world have a bigger gap between rich and poor than Mexico.

For me, navigating alongside the top rich layer meant I could clearly see how big the differences really are. It makes you think twice when you are sitting at your dinner table sipping away on a $500 bottle of wine and wearing a $1,000 dress, while a few meters away from you a poor mother is begging for five pesos to feed her child.

It seems that most of the rich stay miles away from the poor, only using them as their staff while paying them an average Mexican wage — which is as low as $10 a day, making the gap even bigger.

On top of that, the Mexican tax law is flexible towards those who earn profits from capital and dividends, making the rich even richer just by being wealthy. Combine that with a corrupt government that also profits from that same structure and you have a country that will make it to the top 10 richest nations with the biggest number of poor people.

3. Cash Needs to be Spent and This is How They do it

As a budget traveler, I have never spent much time among the rich and famous, and tried to stay away from the upper class. But when I fell in love with my boyfriend, I was bound to get a fair amount of time in this societal layer of Mexico.

I noticed that many of them have a lot of cash and avoid paying with credit cards, probably to avoid getting taxed on their income.

So how do they spend that cash?

They buy the best, most expensive things. Whether it’s cars, holidays or clothes, they don’t blink twice at the price tag and buy the first thing they see.

Some of them spend up big on properties, others on toys like private planes, yachts, jet skis, sports gear, etc. Or they spend it on boob jobs or other gifts for their girlfriends. They go to the best restaurants and buy the most expensive items on the menu, pay their high-class escort girls and always have a few private assistants around to help them with daily chores. Luckily, some of them also spend it on charity or (private) non-profit foundations.

I don’t think that I will ever get used to the amount of money that is flowing around them. Even after spending almost a year together with my boyfriend now, it still amazes me how easily the cash gets exchanged. Luckily, he is also generous with sharing his wealth with the less fortunate, mostly tipping almost twice the amount of the bill to the workers and never failing to give some notes to the beggars in the street.

4. Racism is More Real Than Ever

Generally speaking, in Mexico being white means being privileged. These people are most-likely born into Spanish heritage; their families gained status and wealth long before they first opened their eyes. White Mexicans have more access to education, healthcare and jobs, live in the wealthier parts of the country and generally have a better future ahead of them.

Three-quarters of the indigenous people live in extreme poverty and Mexico’s poorest regions inhabit the most dark-skinned people.

Most commercials only display white Mexicans; politicians and academics are mostly white; expensive houses are owned by light-skinned Mexicans while the housekeepers and gardeners are dark. Construction workers and restaurant staff are mostly dark-skinned, and they are serving mostly white people.

Spending time with a lot of wealthy Mexicans, I experienced first-hand that indeed the richest layer consists mainly of light-skinned people and their staff is dark. They all seem to accept this is part of their reality and both groups generally don’t hang out with each other. Many of the rich white Mexicans expect the dark Mexicans to work for them for a low wage and this creates another massive gap between the rich and the poor and the white and dark-skinned.

5. You Will Get Spoilt, But Only if You Listen to Their Rules

Being the girlfriend of a Mexican millionaire is not always easy. You need to commit to their time schedule because they are always busy, expect you to join their high-class parties and mingle with the other girlfriends, and they want you to always be available to them.

After all, the little time they do have left generally can’t be matched to your personal schedule. You need to hide the fact that they have wives, have to always protect their privacy and spend a lot of time waiting for them when they take you out because there is always something important coming up. You will have your dinners while they are on the phone most of the time. You are probably being cheated on and you are most likely not the only girl in their life. You have to listen to their rules, which was particularly hard for me as an independent, free traveler.

Need new clothes? They give you a whole new wardrobe.

Of course, there are also the perks. They will spoil you, treat you like a princess and nothing gets too crazy. Joining a last-minute business trip to Bali? No problem! Getting your rent paid? Of course. Want to buy that new MacBook? Sure, why not. Need new clothes? They give you a whole new wardrobe. Learn a new sport? You will get a private instructor.

It’s like having a sugar daddy, but with actual love.

But maybe the biggest lesson that I have learned from dating a Mexican millionaire is that love has no boundaries.

My life completely turned around after meeting him (and not just because of his money), and we are both learning the advantages of our different lifestyles. He realised that spending quality time together with the people you love is even more valuable than earning a 7-figure income, and I learned that earning money to spend that quality together is also invaluable. And even though we are opposites in how we live our lives, in our core values we are exactly the same.

Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium

Anna Foga is trying to be a fearless writer on topics most people don’t want to talk about. Connect and read more from Anna on Medium.

life, Love and Connection, relationships

Knowing When Someone is Worth Your Time

Some time ago, I met a guy while out with friends and celebrating someone’s birthday. The birthday gal in question was a stranger to me, as was the upbeat guy who chewed gum, laughed loudly and smiled like a toothpaste billboard on George. Yes, he was one of those super-extroverted types with loads of swag, a catchy personality and a generous side of confidence. From the moment he introduced himself, his sights were firmly set on yours truly.

God, help me — Quit munching spearmint gum in my face.

This guy had ‘player’ written all over him and I wasn’t down for the game. So, I told him the truth upfront, which happened to be that I was divorced with three kids. I figured that piece of intel would send him running because hey, it was a great ploy to drive away the fly-bys looking for nothing more than casual sex. And besides, you can tell a lot about a man who sticks around when he is aware of your situation.

My situation didn’t faze him one bit.

“I love kids!”

Cool. Want three for free?

Just kidding. I love my babies.

Anyway, sensing my hesitation and distrust, swag-guy eventually solicited backup from one of his friends.

“She knows me.” He gestured at a petite, Greek-flavored woman sitting nearby. “Christa, tell her who I am.”

“He’s cool,” Christa said. “What you see is what you get.”

Interesting. Unhelpful, but still interesting.

What you see isn’t always what you get.

I don’t know if you have ever thought about it, but I think that expression is kind of weird. Think about it now. People put it out there all the time as if it means something, but more often than not what lies beneath is a far cry from what they’ve got on show.

I’m not the type to believe in misguided fabrications.

At least, not these days.

I’m not being pessimistic; I have just lived long enough to know that very few people have what it takes to offer up the ‘what you see is what you get’ line and actually deliver on trustworthiness.

FYI: Authenticity doesn’t actually equate to ‘transparency’ just because someone says so.

Moving on and I’m looking at a man who I didn’t know from Jack, and I am to believe that what I see is what I get?

What? A toothy billboard on George?

Okay, so he was a charming billboard, but charm is as useful as influencing Lady Luck with a rabbit’s foot when it comes to figuring out whether or not someone is worth investing time into.

See where I’m going here?

Time

Your time is your most precious resource in all of the universe, but you already knew that, didn’t you? Too right you did. How often do you find yourself uttering about your time, or lack thereof?

All the time, I bet.

Yup, time is a currency worth much more than money or any object — it waits for no one, is your wisest teacher, and once lost, it can never be recovered.

Something that has so much value shouldn’t be thrown around frivolously.

“Time is precious because eternity hinges on how we spend it.”
— Jonathan Edwards

Each time you are introduced to someone as a potential new friend or significant other, you come to a point where you have to determine whether or not they are worth your time.

You have your work and your family. You have your personal life …. You have your love life (successful or not). The point is that you have enough going on in your life that when you make the decision to spend time with someone, they should at least be worthy of it.

Right? Err …. Duh.

The thing about it is that you might not always get it right and that’s okay. You’ve got to remember that you are here fumbling through life like the rest of us, which means you are going to screw up from time to time. None so much as when it comes to romantic connections.

They don’t say that love is blind for nothing. They say it because when you truly fall in love with someone, it is natural to ignore the red flags and focus only on the good because real love can only ever know that which is like it — Even when given to someone who isn’t capable of cherishing your heart.

If time is our wisest teacher, then the degree to which we love in this life is our greatest gift to ourselves and all of eternity. No shit. It’s because love is the groundwork for everything — all of creation, your lifeforce energy …. the moon and the stars…

Each sincere heart that loves purely is expanding and layering the world and the universe with the essence of source energy — love — this is true even when you seemingly love in vain.

Love is never wasted. Don’t forget that, my friend.

Time, however, is a different story in that you get to decide, be it personal or professional, whether or not someone is worth your time (and heart), and if you should keep up a relationship.

If you’re pondering this issue about someone in your life, perhaps it’s time to consider these 3 questions:

1) How Do They Make You Feel?

Some people have a knack for making you feel good when around them. Others seem to weigh you down.

It’s in their energy.

All living things are able to sense the vibrations of other living things, and each of us emits our own vibrational frequency. Energy transmits and transfers through our moods, mindsets and personalities, and just as animals can sense danger and fear in people, so too can we sense the energy-space of someone else through our intuition.

Business professor, Hillary Anger Elfenbein who coined the ‘affective presence’ concept says that “our own way of being has an emotional signature”.

Is it feelings of jealousy on your part?

In which case, you need to change your attitude.

Or are they making you feel badly about yourself or your work?

Degrading you, being condescending, overwhelmingly critical, etc.

In which case, they’re the problem.

If you feel like the glass is half empty after interacting with this person, then it might be time to assess the situation. You may need to do some introspection to figure out why they make you feel this way.

2) Are You Learning from Them?

Unless this person is of the extreme toxic variety — a sociopathic narcissist, or an abusive, unsupportive and emotionally unhealthy individual (in which case, avoid where possible), I believe that can we learn some of our most valuable life lessons through the people we interact with and keep in our lives.

These lessons can arrive into your experience as silent teachings — meaning that you learn from their actions, ways-of-being and thinking, and their life experiences, which in turn, opens new thoughts and influences you in a deep and meaningful way.

Personal growth.

Or perhaps the teachings are more overt?

In which case, they teach you a specific skillset or strategy, foster your learning through repetitive demonstration, or become an important mentor in your career-journey.

The point is that you feel that there are lessons to be learned when conversing or interacting with this person, and vice-versa.

Sometimes the most powerful teachings come to us via the quietest, most unsuspecting ways, so it is important to show up at each social interaction with an open mind and wide heart, and lose the Judge Judy pants.

Honestly, it’s on you to find the teachable moment.

3) Do They Add Value to Your Life?

Obviously, I am not talking about material possessions here. So, if you’re willing to look beyond the Gucci handbags and Rolex watches and get to what really gives your life value, then read on….

There’s a reason why we don’t bring every stranger into our closer inner-circles, and it all comes down to whether or not this person delivers positive value and how you relate with each other.

Do they make you laugh?

People add value to your life when you can laugh together and at each other, get on the same wacky-wavelength and choose to not always take life so seriously.

Do you get inspired by being around them?

The best kinds of relationships add value when they ignite your creative flare, stoke your imagination and hold your dreams with esteem along with their own. It’s the shared muse for kindred souls; a harmonious balance of Zen-like energy overflowing with creativity, respect, appreciation and love.

**Are they a good friend? Do they hold space for you and want to know who you are?**

We add value by listening to and being present for each other, as well as demonstrating heart-kindness for the people we care about — empathizing and offering our honest opinions without being overly harsh. They forgive easily, understand how and when to give constructive feedback, and they deliver these with compassion.

Do you enjoy their company?

Someone adds value to your time when you can be at ease with them. When you can be yourself without second-guessing every comment or action… or in-action.

No mind games. No score-keeping. No bullshit.

The moments when you can just ‘be’ together in total acceptance, honor and love for each other, are what make for time-worthy experiences with the people in your life.

It’s the secret sauce in any type of relationship — be it romantic or otherwise. Just look into their eyes and you’ll find what you need to know.

If you read these questions and answered with a resounding ‘yes’, then I’m betting that the person in your life is a positive presence and you’ve got yourself a time-worthy keeper.

And as for the ‘what you see is what you get’ guy I mentioned earlier, to his credit, there was a lot more to him than first met the eye; it turned out that he had heart and soul, and knew how to love a woman and respect her time as if a sacred gift.

If only more of us could see time that way….

Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium

life, Love and Connection, relationships, Women

The Secrets to Unlocking a Woman’s Lasting Passion

Because she burns with fiery love-passion.

“Be the flame, not the moth.”
― Giacomo Casanova

Romantic passion is the powerful force responsible for the feeling of deep longing to be near your lover. The exquisite motivational pull that manifests as strong attraction, desire and infatuation, often sweeping you off your feet to affect you in love-crazy ways. A day in the life of romantic passion is one of life’s sweetest pleasures. Tell me, who could actually resist hours of kanoodling with their lover, delving into deep intimacy through hot kisses, intense sex, devoted bonding and dual-energetic creativity?

Passion is delicious, ardent love.

Love is the most important element for a good relationship but love without lasting passion is much like friendship — only with the commitment and shared life/assets part.

Still, we all have our own standards for what constitutes a fulfilling relationship and it can be argued that passion fades over time.

Life gets in the way.

People can easily slip into a states of inertia which disconnects them from the deep feelings inspired by the long-forgotten passionate early days of their relationship.

You know how goes — You snag your lover, get married and settle into ‘familiarity’ territory. Sex becomes a mediocre thing that happens once a fortnight (for some) and before long, you are glimpsing the rapturous fire of romantic passion in the rear-view mirror.

So long, romantic passion. Thanks for the memories.

Okay, throw out the Kleenex. The mourning party is over because it doesn’t have to be that way. We can fight for passion but it will take patience, dedication and a whole lotta love to unlock the mystery of a woman’s lasting passion.

And yes, I am speaking to you, sir.

Whether he realizes it or not, a man has much more influence over the degree of passion existing within his relationship with a woman. And if he wants to experience her deep, ever-lasting passion, he will need to decide if it’s worth the effort it takes to get her there.

He will have to take the lead.

Think about it. True happiness and deep, intimate connection within a union is impossible to achieve without tending to the passion, and a woman cannot fully surrender herself to man if there is disconnection and/or distrust present.

She needs her heart ‘watered’ with his conscious love so that she may blossom into her feminine sovereignty, and she needs to feel held and seen in her femininity by him for her passionate spirit to burn into something a little bit more magical and beautiful than ever before.

The Secrets to Unlocking a Woman’s Lasting Passion begins with:

Yang — Man

As gender roles continue to shift and evolve, the rules for what constitutes masculinity may have become somewhat blurred of late. As it stands, contemporary men do not have to personify patriarchal values and be ‘macho’ to be regarded as masculine. There are those men who believe that they embody the definition of the modern ‘real man’, exhibiting qualities such as genuine self-confidence and true masculinity. Others may feel there is no such thing. But when comes to women, there is one thing that remains true of any heterosexual male — a man who realizes his highest role with woman knows the secret to her lasting passion.

It’s in the way that he loves her.

So much of how a man loves a woman and how he cares for her holds influence over her willingness to trust and surrender in her femininity to him. And that sacred element is fundamental in keeping his lady a passionate lover.

“I want to know what passion is. I want to feel something strongly.”
― Aldous Huxley

A man needs to understand and respect that the essence of a woman is soft by nature.

She is a passionate, love-craving creature yearning to deeply connect with her masculine counterpart. She longs to open up to him; to expose herself fully and feel him consciously pulse inside of her.

At her core, a woman aches to give rise to the healing qualities of combined orgasmic connection and spirit through her beautiful, wild love.

Believe me, you’ll want every sweet drop of what your insatiable love-hungry woman has to offer, dear sir.

And a man can know the fruits of her love when he becomes attuned with his primitive place beside a woman because it means that he has figured out his role with her — Being there and caring for her in a way which supports her life, body and heart to evoke her deep softness and receptivity to him — her lasting love and passion.

Sounds rather simple, right?

Well, I don’t know. It takes a certain amount of self-awareness, maturity, backbone and patience for a man to accept his highest role with woman; to really be there and hold her steady within his powerful masculine presence. To show up for her where others have mishandled and failed her in the past. To care enough to patiently and consistently support and guide her back toward her heart —her lasting passion.

Internationally-known Spiritual Mentor, and Master Energy-Worker, Chris Bale knows a thing or two about the power of intent within the realm of intimacy between men and women. He makes the following observation:

“We are living in a time of deeply weakened, confused, and unsupported masculinity. Men lack guidance from healthy male role-models. Instead, he ends up following dangerous, chaotic examples of masculinity; fumbling through his relatings with himself and the opposite sex.”

So how can a man realign with his core masculine energy to connect on more intricate and meaningful pathways with his woman?

It Begins with Deep Desire.

A man’s personal power resides in his level of self-actualization. His innate values, his sense of empathy and balance, his intellect and his ability to hold his own in any situation. But a man’s true power lies in his mature handling of woman, love and relationships.

Through love, we learn the art of giving and receiving but we can’t give what we don’t have. So there lies the cornerstone of desire in passion — a man must have a deep understanding of self to possess the desire to really be there for and know a woman wholly, and he’ll have to truly wish to know what it means to experience her native femininity and lasting passion.

He has to be willing to go there with her.

Yin — Woman

“The feminine is the matrix of creation. This truth is something profound and elemental, and every woman knows it in the cells of her body, in her instinctual depths. Out of the substance of her very being life comes forth. She can conceive and give birth, participate in the greatest mystery of bringing a soul into life. And yet we have forgotten, or been denied, the depths of this mystery.”

— Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee

A man may be permitted to deeply connect with life-giving energy through a woman’s love, but she requires him to be in firm contact with his balls and sovereignty in order to feel safe and claimed enough to truly open up to him.

Essentially, she needs to feel secure with him – if there are too many elements about a man that are uncertain, threatening or unclear, she will naturally resist surrendering the deepest, softest parts of herself.

Instead, she will recede into her self-protective energetic barrier by default because more often than not, this is how a woman has learned to cope with the men who have touched her life in the past.

This holds true whether or not the relationship is new or long-term — acts of deep intimacy and true passion requires a woman to open every part of herself — soulfully, emotionally, physically — she entrusts a man to be inside of her which means absolute exposure and vulnerability on her part.

It means building intimate trust which evolves to lasting passion.

She needs to understand the depth of her man’s consistent and implicit reliance through his actions — not just because he expects her trust because he requests it of her, but because he proves his trustworthiness through his deeds and strong presence.

Yin-Yang — Man + Woman

So, how does a man unlock a woman’s lasting passion?

Through learning how to love her. It’s that simple.

He must be willing to love her through her challenges — her anger, hardness and frustration. He must love her even when she’s pushing and testing his love and boundaries. And he must especially love her in all her past abuse and mishandled treatment left from encounters with other males.

“You only need one man to love you. But him to love you free like a wildfire, crazy like the moon, always like tomorrow, sudden like an inhale and overcoming like the tides. Only one man and all of this.”
― C. JoyBell C.

If a man truly wants to experience a woman in her soft femininity and keep her passion alive for him, he will need to be fully present with her and love her even more.

“Crazy like the moon and always like tomorrow.”

The secret to unlocking a woman’s lasting passion is already within you — devoted love-in-action …. and maybe a few long hot kisses to boot.

Also published by Living Out Loud on Medium

life, relationships, Soul

The One Quality About Michael Hutchence that Magnetized the World

“You know sometimes I just want to curl up on stage and lie there for a while — it’s weird.” — Michael Hutchence

Calling All Nations

Sydney: November 12th, 1988, and I could barely keep myself in check while riding the Illawarra line with some good friends, crooning INXS classics like Need You Tonight and Burn for You. Spirits were high. The air was charged with magic energy. I was en route to spending my first evening with the man Billy Zane described as “the frontman for a nation” — Michael Hutchence and his rocking soulful band INXS.

A friend named Paris organized the tickets and was almost as exotic as the man himself for various reasons:

I. He was older than me and looked like Benicio del Toro in his heyday.

II. He was strangely well-connected for an 18-year-old.

III. I had personally never known any guy before or since named after the European City of Lights.

Bonjour sensualité!

Paris knew someone who knew someone who …. err …. knew another someone who could score us some prime seats for the event held at the Sydney Entertainment Centre. After a Kick-ass world tour, INXS was coming home to celebrate their worldwide success complete with a well-deserved side of glorious top-dog swagger.

I wasn’t missing that experience for all the money in China.

Now, Paris delivered on his promise in producing choice seats for the show. I was there, ready to experience my first taste of in-person Hutchence gold, and barely able to wait out the time for the supporting band to wrap it up. But when the homegrown Sydney boys eventually gave it up to the tune of What You Need, oddly enough, I gave it up too.

No, I didn’t rip off my dainty black bra and toss it on stage. Nor did I flash my breasts at the utterly delish. Truth. I’m not that extreme. Besides, by no means were those guys shy of nipples, lips, hips and flesh at that particular moment in life.

Lining the hotel halls 24/7 like junk-lump wallpaper in cities all over the world.

Speaking of 24/7, you know those old black and white clips of crazy fan-girls screaming and crying like idiots after famous artists like The Beatles or Elvis Presley?

Say no more.

(Except that it was the first and only time that ever happened.)

Of course, I blame Michael Hutchence (and maybe teenage hormones) for the unexpected emotional outburst. There was just so much pent-up energy within that by the time the cool-cat rocker strutted onto the stage, the floodgates deemed too much to control.

What? The man was as sexy as sin, boasted an unmistakable voice and a stunningly unique presence — there was no question that his irreplaceable talent could make a girl weak at the knees, among other things….

But Michael was more than just an attractive rock star with an impressive head of hair who sang like honey, collected “famous” friends and swooned women everywhere — there was something special about him that made him stand out among his peers — the one quality unique to him that magnetized the world.

Michael Jackson had a chimp called Bubbles. Mick Jagger had those famous “rubber” lips and a bad boy image, and Angus Young had his disturbing version of a schoolboy uniform. Aside from possessing a super sensual hip-grind, Michael Hutchence had a unique vulnerability about him.

A trait which proved to be the special sauce that was the foundation for his ability to take in all of life and exude a rare authentic presence while living in the fast-lane.

I’m Just a Man

“I know who I am and what I do.” — Michael Hutchence

Those who kept a keen eye on Michael Hutchence know that his nature was very introverted, shy and sensitive. Not only were those qualities well-documented by the people who were close to him, but it was those characteristics that influenced and presented through his body of creative work.

In Richard Lowenstein’s documentary, The Last (True) Rock Star, Tina Hutchence recounts the first time she saw her brother Michael perform: “We went into this dingy place … there was lots of beer flowing… I was kind of worried because it looked like a tough crowd out there and Michael is kind of quiet. I didn’t know what was going to happen and I was kind of concerned. He came on and there was this metamorphosis. My quiet spoken brother became this person on stage that just blew me away.”

So. Awesome.

American professor Brené Brown, who is well-known for teaching us the value in vulnerability and the personal benefits we gain from choosing to explore our emotions rather than bottling them up, says that the path to self-awareness and true connection is through our willingness to get vulnerable with the people who are important to us.

Brown:
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.”

Hutchence was clearly in touch with himself and his masculinity enough to be true to who he was. He was a free-spirit who didn’t lack the courage to express, explore and open himself to his vulnerability — the creation of connectedness that rippled from the inside out and into his music to unite nations.

Bono, who is the frontman of the legendary rock band, U2, was said to be impressed with his friend’s (Michael Hutchence) take on music: “I remember asking Michael what his definition of rock & roll was — he said, ‘Liberation.’”

Liberation on a personal level is self-exploration to achieve freedom from self-limiting thoughts. It is daring to realize your pure spirit and understanding freedom in its truest form, and that requires a certain dose of vulnerability.

Freedom is knowing who you are and believing in that person enough to then liberate and uplift others through the important work you offer the world. Freedom is in your essence.

Michael’s father, Kelland Hutchence: “Michael was a shy, lovely kid…. He was warm, tender. A gentle boy who loved writing poetry.”

I believe Michael’s vulnerability radiated like a rare star brighter than any rock. His presence was a sensually creative interpretation of quiet yet open, intelligently fun…. a grounded futurist — he managed to strike a balance with his Rock God alter-ego, enjoying the perks and trappings of superstardom while still possessing an understanding of life and humanity.

Essentially, it was Michael’s vulnerability that we fans’ picked up and homed in on; it made him feel reachable, relatable and connected; and that’s the overarching quality that contributed to his uniqueness and made Michael Hutchence so damn special.

Questions

“He was something like tomorrow.” — Billy Zane

But with all of his reserved and introspective qualities, Michael had to find a way to cope with the attention of being a rock star — he had to compartmentalize himself to manage fame.

Michael said: “I get pretty terrified, to be honest, when I’m on tour. You really have to muster a lot of ego to go out there, which I find draining.”

So how did the rock star deal with it?

He had to insulate his gentler characteristics to protect himself. Kory Grow from Rolling Stone Magazine:

“When the band’s Kick album became a sextuple-platinum megahit, Hutchence had to get over his innate shyness quickly and figure out a way to navigate all the attention — “From the fantasy to the reality of, ‘Oh, this is actually happening,’ that would be really tricky because I wasn’t that comfortable with it,” Hutchence says of fame. “So, I sort of invented that [big] persona with the necessity of getting through it. I enjoyed it but I had to create something that kept me inside as well.”

Michael may have wavered from time to time. We know that he struggled with his inner-demons and like the rest of us, made his fair share of mistakes along the way. But through it all, he never truly lost sight of who he was, where he was going and his deepest truths; and he cared enough to cherish that part of himself.

Honestly, having an insight like that is like knowing a secret. It’s an intangible quality in a person’s soul that you can just sense.

Some years later, I sensed it in Michael the night that I met him (minus the hormone-induced emotional eruption). It was drizzling wet and late, and I was waiting for him at the backstage door after a concert. Michael had a broken leg (from falling off the stage at another gig) and he was accompanied by a throng of hangers-on, some of them quite beautiful.

I said nothing to call on his attention. He could have easily dismissed me and climbed into the waiting car but he didn’t. Instead, he flashed a grin before hobbling down the stairs on his crutches over to where I was standing, stopping next to me to give me his time.

Time is a gift we lend of ourselves to others.

Shine Like it Does

So, what’s the biggest takeaway that we can learn from a guy like Michael Hutchence?

This was a rock star who didn’t think it beneath him to find the time to talk and laugh on the phone with a gushing Sydney teenage girl one Saturday morning sometime during the late 80’s.

Michael’s ability to stay real, spirited and humble through mighty fame and fortune is the one thing I always admired the most about him.

I don’t know about you, but of all the qualities for a person to possess and demonstrate in this life, I believe that keeping our spirit humble has to be among the most important.

That’s where lies the key to real success and fueled the underlying qualities shining below the surface of Michael’s vulnerability — the story since time began.

Michael had success nailed long before fame found him; and it was in him all along — the magic of vulnerability.

Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium

Images by Getty

1. Let’s Talk About Inputs

2. Let’s Talk About Approval

3. Let’s Reframe It, Perception

The Takeaway

Gerthy Bingoly

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#3 Oxytocin, the love hormone.

1. Dopamine, The Anticipation Hormone

2. Endorphins, The Soothing Hormone

3. Oxytocin, The Love Hormone

4. Serotonin, The Mood Hormone

The Takeaway

ABOUT GERTHY BINGOLY

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A Woman’s Toolbox = Feminine Sexuality

The Flirty Friend

Handling the Flirty Friend

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Love Games

Red Flags

Surrender to Love

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1. Cool is Friendliness

Applying the Friendliness Quality

2. Cool is Confidence

Applying the Confidence Quality

3. Cool is Philosophy

Applying the Philosophy-Quality

4. Cool is Inspiration

Applying the Inspiration Quality

5. Cool is Desirable

Applying the Desirable Quality

6. Cool is Emotional Intelligence

Applying Emotional Intelligence

7. Cool is the Language of Love

Applying the Language of Love

8. Cool is Being Your Authentic Self

Applying the Authentic Quality

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Denying Love

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1. Most Rich Mexican Men Have Multiple Girlfriends

2. The Mexican Upper-layer is Miles from the Poorest

3. Cash Needs to be Spent and This is How They do it

4. Racism is More Real Than Ever

5. You Will Get Spoilt, But Only if You Listen to Their Rules

Anna Foga is trying to be a fearless writer on topics most people don’t want to talk about. Connect and read more from Anna on Medium.

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Time

1) How Do They Make You Feel?

Is it feelings of jealousy on your part?

Or are they making you feel badly about yourself or your work?

2) Are You Learning from Them?

Or perhaps the teachings are more overt?

3) Do They Add Value to Your Life?

Do they make you laugh?

Do you get inspired by being around them?

Are they a good friend? Do they hold space for you and want to know who you are?

Do you enjoy their company?

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Yang — Man

It Begins with Deep Desire.

Yin — Woman

Yin-Yang — Man + Woman

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Calling All Nations

I’m Just a Man

Questions

Shine Like it Does

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**Are they a good friend? Do they hold space for you and want to know who you are?**